I have debated posting this because I dont want to be attacked and really, to be honest, its quite embarrassing!!!
But I figure I can't be the only one this has happened to.
I have fostered two infant babies full time before, 6+ years ago and never had this issue. This baby I am RESPITE for her grandma and have her a day here and there (maybe 25% of the time). I adore her, love her to bits BUT I LOGICALLy know she is not "mine". She is NOT a preadoptive placement, we were NOT looking to either foster or adopt - it just happened, and we are helping out her grandma. I dont feel entitled to parent her, and although all things being equal I know I could certainly "BE" a mother to her, I know (at least logically) I am NOT.
The problem is when she is with me I have a STRONG physical reaction to her. I havent breast fed in 5 years and yet when she is with me I feel perpetually in a state of "let down". If you have breastfed you know what I mean - that painful, achy feeling of NEEDING to feed your baby. I hate it!
It hurts! And obviously I am not breastfeeding her. Within an hour of her going home it stops, and I feel physically "normal" again.
I dont know why this is happening - but I have had some possible thoughts ... she looks EXACTLY how I pictured my "biological daughters" for all those years BEFORE having my blond - blue eyed biological boys. Could it be a unconscious psychological reaction to those "dreams" of parenting a daughter, that I thought I had let go to? Is it because she is happiest being held in "that" position while she sleeps?
Or am I losing my mind and should immediately quit fostering?