Just actually had the time to sit down and read through all the posts (wow)... I think open adoption is a term used for a situation which really has no description... I mean open adoption means different things to different people, when we first started talking about adoption (while in the midst of our infertility treatments)... I was absolutely 1000% against any kind of contact, I was terrified by all the lifetime tv shows and news reports about adoption battles... I figured if the adoption was closed and the birthmom couldn't find us, it wouldn't be an issue.
But when we seriously started talking about adoption I did my research. I read everything I could find, talked to everyone I could find... and honestly the biggest thing that swayed my AT FIRST was that if you follow the law, and do things legally there is little to no chance of your adoption ending up as a movie of the week... removing that fear allowed me to look more into open adoption.
We were matched the night our birthmom went into labor and on the drive to her (almost 7 hours away) we discussed that we felt comfortable exchanging letters and photos... in our research we had come to understand the need of both the birthparents and the child to have some connection. Our birthmom was so happy that we agreed to this, she said everyone she talked to told her to plan on not ever seeing her child and if she did it wouldn't be until he was an adult and that he would hate her. Yet she was still committed to placing him.
Over the last 3 years things have definitely changed... we have developed a friendship that is independant of our adoption. I feel like if she were my neighbor I would be friends with her... my admiration and our friendship is a very special thing for me... for our son, it allows him to know part of his family... it removes the questions, the whos? the whys? When he gets to the age where he was realy questions, I'll hand him the phone and he will be free to ask... Being adopted is his story but it is not what defines him and i think this will be more true as he gets older because he will have any and all information he needs or wants...
One case in point, a month ago he needed to have tubes placed in his ears... they needed to place him under general anethesia (also removed his adenoids)... I had a friend almost die because she has an allergice reaction to the medication... being able to call my sons birthmom and ask her if she or his siblings ever had any problems allowed my mind to be a little more at ease... I don't know if I would have been able to go through with it NOT knowing that simple medical information...
I agree that open-adoption isn't for everyone, but neither is a closed one. Each individial person needs to make that decision for themselves. And yes of course we have to think of the children, but if YOU are not comfortable with it, your child will feel that fear and then perhaps they will also fear the situation... you just need to be honest and open with yourself and your adoption agency (which $40,000 and 3 years??? seems.... odd.)...
as to the comments about grieving over infertility etc etc... yes I went through fertility treatments I never really cared if I ever got pregnant... I wanted to be a parent, to share the world as I know it with a child, to share our silly little family traditions... so yeah it wasn't a totally selfless act, it was about my needs too. I don't think that is a bad thing...
On another note: yeah I know, I'm rablimg... our same birthmom contacted us last spring because she was pregnant again, we experienced the pregnancy with her this time (dr's appt's, she asked us to name the baby so she would know what to call him, etc etc on and on) but in the end after we had him home she changed her mind... which I absolutely her right, but still heartbreaking for us. Now most people tell us we should cut her out of A. life to punish her, never speak to her again, change our phone number - no one understands why we want her to still be a part of our life... to me, it's simple... what kind of parent would I be to A. if I basically said to him "If you disappoint me I will cut you out of my life." Life is about forgiveness and about understanding... We are all human, we all laugh, cry and make mistakes. No one is perfect. I know that there are aparents who close adoptions over much simpler things, to me, I can't imagine any scenario that would cause me to remove her (and her family) from our lives...
Good luck with whatever you decide, and while I agree with researching researching researching you also have to do what is right for you
g.
www.gtjohnson.com