[sugarbabysmommy]

These are a few of the notes I made during Pact's conference and I wanted to share. These are only my notes/scribbles, not at all the entirety of the conference, so keep that in mind. It would be great if folks wanted to chime in with thoughts, feelings, anyone from any position within an adoption. Items in quotes are portions of the actual speaker presentation.

- "only two mistakes an adoptive parent can make, to lie to their child, and to give up on their child"

- "sit with your child in their saddness"

- audience question: how much of a kid's behavior is about adoption and just regular development?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoption."

- "hear your child's experience without taking it on as your own, or what it means to your own experience of parenting"

- adopted kids (adults) need space in the conversation to express themselves, don't steam roll the conversation with your (the parent's) version

- adopted persons have to hold, keep two worlds

- hearing parents say we love you, you should be proud of your heritage constantly (in transcultural adoption) overshadowed the child's ability to say they were not proud or to express their feelings of shame

- the alternative to the parental message of We Chose You is the child's understanding that they could have NOT been chosen...

- our attachment issues as parents have an effect on our parenting

- it's easier to be an angry child than a sad child, angry behavior gets a reaction/action, whereas no one knows how to handle saddness

- there is often a return of entitlement issues for parents in adolescent years during normal rejection, the parent questions all over again if they have the right to parent this child... potentially leading to over permissiveness

- be willing to go where your child came from, the hospital, the neighborhood, the city- even in a Domestic adoption

- even kids with wonderfully connected parent/child relationships can be afraid to talk with their parents/ ask questions... lack of questions doesn't mean lack of interest

- more (if not all) focus is given to being placed in the family, little attention/acknowledgement is given to being let go


Again, my notes, some speaker quotes, some paraphrasing of adoptee speakers, and some inferrences of what I heard.