[heartened]

Ok - from an adoptee who has definite abandonment issues, rejection issues, attachment issues, etc. - mainly, me:

Yes, I have emotional issues - but I believe they have very little to do with the fact that I am adopted. I think they have everything to do with the dysfunctional people I was adopted by.

Do you see the difference?

Yes, many adopted children grow up to have certain feelings - but when raised in a supportive, loving environment, they also have the skills to deal with those feelings.

I'm still not completely convinced that the author of Primal Wound wasn't desperately looking for "something" to blame her daughter's behaviors on. Adoption happened to be conveinant. I know some of our posters here know the author and disagree, but that's what I got out of the book.

I also don't like the constant implication throughout the book that any adoptee who denies these feelings is simply in denial. Sorry, not buying that.

I have all kinds of bad feelings, but most of them stem from the abusive cretins who raised me.

Do you want to know how to successfully raise an adopted child?

Love them. Accept them. Accept that they exsited before you adopted them. Aceept that they have a history which preludes their history with you. Understand that "preludes" doesn't equal "excludes."
Accept that no matter what you do, they may feel a need some day to know and understand their roots. Understand that if you try to deny the existence they had before you adopted them, you will only drive a wedge between you. Learn to deal with your feelings of jealousy - they are YOUR issue, don't make them your child's issue as well. Just as you would not force your child to choose between you and your spouse if you divorced, don't try and force your child to choose between you and their birth family when they are adults. They'll likely choose you, but your relationship will never be the same. It will be damaged. Don't lie to your child. A lie of ommission is still a lie. Never try to hide the fact that your child is adopted - don't hide it from them and don't hide it from others. This sets a child up for feeling like being adopted is something they need to feel ashamed about.

Most of all - trust in yourself. Trust in the love you have to offer. Remember that love is not quantified - you do not love your child less because you also love your spouse, your parents, your family, friends, other children, etc. The "amount" your child loves you is not decreased for them loving their birth family in addition to you. If anything, it simply gives you all a wider circle among which to give and receive love.

And here's a secret: The fact that you care enough to try and understand what your future child may feel is an excellent indication of the kind of parent you are going to be. Trust in that, trust in yourself. You'll do just fine.