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This is a really tough decision, and I don't blame you for feeling confused. I'd like to tell you what I've seen personally and you can use it for what it's worth in your own situation.

To start, I think you have a wonderful family - you and your husband and kids. You've made some mature decisions, and I admire the way you've handled what has come your way. I have two situations I'm thinking of that may shed some light on your "processing" of a decision.

My brother, who is definitely the black sheep of the family, married a woman with a child, and together they had two children. It was always rocky, and eventually they divorced after 9 years. He was never much of a father, he wasn't abusive, but "absent" for the most part emotionally, and often physically too. My sister-in-law remarried a wonderful man, she requested that my brother terminate his parental rights, which he did, and her husband adopted the children.

Now the children (the oldest just graduated) love their new dad very very much, and he's been "dad" for many years now. However, the youngest, who is a girl, and who was 8 when my brother left for good, and really only knew a few years, was greatly affected. I think she was most affected because he "gave her up". I personally feel that w/o the adoption, the kids' relationship with their step-father wouldn't have been any less.

BTW - I'm still very close to my sister-in-law and niece and nephews.

The next one is just as close to my heart. My husband married very young, 19, and they had a son right away. Before the marriage was two years old, his wife left him. Their marriage was horrible, and the bitterness on both sides was wretched. They were in Germany (USAF) and she moved to England and he moved to CA (where we met). He had no contact with his son for two years because of the extreme difficulty in communication with his ex-wife. In his attempts to see his son she treated him like he was Satan himself. It took six years and the threat of no child support to get her to allow him to even speak to his son on the phone.

Two things about this situation - one is that they were both very young and their relationship was very bad, but once they were apart there was really no reason for her to refuse him contact with his son. We brought them over from England to visit and she was deported during the trip (she had been an illegal alien for six years) and at that time we thought we would be able to see him....nope, we spent two years in court just for visitation rights. Another seven years of battling with her everytime we wanted to see him (or he wanted to see us) and the result? A young man who is extremely angry with everyone, is a drop-out with a criminal record, drug user, and can't (and doesn't want to) keep a job.

Now, my husband is the love of my life, he's gentle, kind, and strong. He's been an awesome father to our girls, coaching baseball, working with the children in Pioneers Club, taking the girls individually on father/daughter weekends with other father/daughter duos to a cabin on the lake where they fish together and play together and the men take Saturday evening and fix a supper for the girls and give them flowers...it's just great! (but yet this man was not good enough to be a parent to his son, according to his ex)

So what is my point? Some of you will not like what I'm about to say - but I've spent a lot of time with men who wanted very much to be fathers and the mothers refused to allow them - as long as a man is not abusive to his child, he should be allowed, even encouraged, to be the best father he can be. We all have room to love, as you all know because you all have room to love "special needs children" and there's room for a mom, dad, step-mom, and step-dad. It doesn't take anything away from anyone, but can only add to a child's life.

Let me again say that I'm NOT advocating encouraging a child to spend time with an adult that may harm them!!

So, my friend, it's a tough decision. Examine his lifestyle as it is now. Has he shown himself to be a danger to the children he currently cares for? Has he shown himself to be responsible toward them? Is he willing to be financially responsible for your daughter? That would be an excellent indicator, men who don't want to be fathers are not willing to pay child support. Ask him some hard questions before you make any decisions. Parenting is a lifetime commitment. What does the mother of his other children say about his parenting? I would suggest that you first discuss this commitment with him and see if he's grown up any?

And lastly, if he is capable of being a father to her, what will she gain from knowing her "real dad" loves her and wants to be with her? He may say "yes, I'll sign her over" and then you're done, He may say "let me be a dad" and you say "yes" and then it's good, the last option is he wants to be her dad and you say no...and he may take you to court, which nobody would want. Whatever the decision, I have confidence that you are a good parent and you'll be able to walk your daughter through whatever comes her way in life.

My prayers are with you. I hope that I've helped.....~Sherry