|
I have two adopted sibling sets. All the children have face-to-face visits with their birthfamilies twice a year. We send them school pictures when they come in.
We have a good relationship with the younger kids' birthfamilies. We have visits with their bmom, and her parents in a neutral place and they spend about three hours per visit with them. I stay to supervise and we all talk about how the kids are doing and what's going on in their (adults') lives. So far it's been a good thing for the kids.
With this family, bd voluntarily tpr'd, then bmom, knowing that DCFS was about to tpr, voluntarily signed at the tpr hearing. We had told her before hand that I was willing to have an open adoption with them. DCFS advised us against it, bc they have NEVER had an OA with a family. Almost five years later and it's working for us. The bfamily is supportive of us as the children's family and never says things to make the kids upset.
Our older kids' bmom did not voluntarily tpr. She has Mental Health issues that make her not dangerous, but not appropriate either. She acts and talks like I stole her kids from her. She really doesn't like me, so my dh supervises visits. The kids are teens and are now saying that they're not sure if they want to continue visits. Mostly bc their bmom says things against our family and is trying to make them choose a family to be part of.
I know of several other families who have OA out of foster care. Firm boundaries from the beginning are key to making this work. The bp's are not allowed to call our home or come around the kids except with our pre-arranged visits. They know where we live and where the kids go to school. We have an email account set up for them to reach us if it's in between a visit. They know that if the visits become detrimental to the kids, they will stop, but that the adults will remain in contact. I don't want my kids to ever have to "search". I want them to be able to have their birthfamilies available to them.
A couple other boundaries are that the parents are not to come to a visit under the influence. One birthrelative is an alcoholic and if I smell alcohol I am taking the kids and leaving the visit. Also, no one other than the bp and bgp's are allowed at the visit. One boyfriend was coming to the visits and making the kids very uncomfortable. I told the bmom no more.
|