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Our bmom had a real defiance/denial problem, but when she asked (through sw) that I adopt fd, I thought she had crossed the line to respecting me, trusting me. I had imagined her becoming an extended family member, maybe even friends. I only agreed to letters & pictures (sw's suggestion), but imagining that would be expanded between ourselves. I thought her problem was basically that she was "young" (19-21 while dd was in care).
It was very disappointing to find that ** had not changed toward me or anything else. She relinquished only because a TPR would mean no contact. Her contact for last 6 years has been nothing more than a venue for bmom to undermine the adoption and our family. She has never "got it" that I would allow so much more if she would just show some sign of respect or even acknowledge our existence.
Now that we understand dd is permanently cognitively limited & not "delayed due to prematurity", I have come to realize that bmom & likely her mom too are also probably cognitively limited. Bmom has been better able to hide it apparently. In essence, I am very glad that I did not agree to visits. I adopted a child who turned out to be autistic, learning disabled & cognitively limited and dealing with a bmom who is stuck mentally at 14 or 15 is hard enough on paper.
one thing for sure is every story is different, & I think it is important to know why the kids entered care in the first place. I would also recommend getting to know the parents directly, if at all possible...at least some direct conversation before agreeing to direct contact. My advice is to agree to little and see how it goes....and use a PO Box for mail.
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