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Reunions
First off, Pip, I am so sorry about what has recently taken place for you. I hope that both of you can come to terms somehow with all of this and that things work out, I really mean that. Adoption issues are hard on all of us but I think for the adoptee it really is the hardest and then next is the first mother because there is so much pain. Is it possible taht your son is angry at his "situation" and it is coming out on you? There is a lot of anger in reunions and I am sure I will get my share too, down the road. I plan on not taking it personally and just keeping in mind that they are angry, not at us, put at the whole adoption "situation". I say take a break if you need to and for him too, but Pip, keep the lines of communiction open. Your boy is younger and in university and in a different country and all of those things play into it all. Give it time. Keep your head up! Shoulders back! Good thoughts to you & hugs - Shelley
As for question by sspete, my reunion has not been face to face yet, possibly March 2006. My thoughts on reunions in my experience, which is not much, is that it is imperative to go slow, take time. In a situtation of no contact, I would definately still keep the lines open for the future, just send a card every few months or place a phone call (if you can). I am also a huge believe in not going through any of this alone. Get a therapist, if you can, who is aware of adoption issues. It is more for you so that you can learn how to handle various situtations that can, will, do, may arise, ie: rejection, anger, depression. It is important that you have counseling in order to understand yourself and what adoption did to you, even if you really believe you "made the right choice" - giving a child up or in the cases of the old days, having a child taken from you and placed, this really does affect us, in deep ways that we might not be fully concious of. I have had a therapist now since September and she has really helped me to understand me again. Yes, it is expensive, I pay 70.00 per visit and I went 2xper month. I just made it a priority. Contact everyone you can, including you doctor, to find out about counseling. Maybe if that is not an option, go to a support group for members of the triad. Again, I say this is really, really important. So, in my experience, going slow, getting some counseling (I now only go ever 4 weeks or so), perhaps joining an adoption support group - those things will make a reunion go better. Because the honeymoon phase will end! Reality will set in! Fantasies on part of you and your birthchild will not be "what you thought" - you will become real people to each other, then the hard work of developing a relationship will start. There is no "instant" connection. There is emotion in reunion that feels like connection, but in essence, first mother and child are meeting as virtual strangers but bonded - very unique, only in adoption will you find this.......
I also think that respect goes a long way. And I think that as a first mother, we deserve respect from the children (adults) - even tho they may be rightfully angry, hurt, defensive, upset, mad, - the bottom line is that respect is a must - the adoptee is going to be younger than us obviously and for some first mom's, their child is coming back to reunion really young and the maturity might not be there yet, so know what to overlook and let go as is age appropriate, but never, never, let anyone be so angry to you personally that you are demeaned and abused and made to feel more guilty - in my opinion if that happens, then it is time to step back from the situation and take some time (I know this won't go over well with some adoptees reading this or some aparents, but think about it - taking anger out on another human being because we did not get what we wanted is just not good) - again respect goes a long way!!!! By all parties. Next, is the support from aparents - many out there do support and assist their kids - and many do not. The aparents who let fear rule the renuion for thier kids are selfish, yes I do understand the fear, but it is selfish nontheless. Giving into fear is going to ruin the reunion for the child. And make an even further mess of the adoption and the triad. Remember that the adoptee is the most important here, getting the child (adult) to reconnect with his/her roots is very important - even if the first parents are not good. So aparents, support! It is paramount to good mental health all around. Let the adoptee find out for themselves who/what/where/when and how of it all - be there, for them, quietly supporting, and most of all they will need you especially if the first parents are rejecting, messed up, or not open. They will need you more for that then they ever would need you before, in my opinon. Even if everything works out good, the adoptee still needs his/her aparents support and know that its "okay" to have done or be doing this. And for that assistance, aparents need to be honoured and understood by all that the reality of what they could "lose" is valid to them. I have thought about aparents a lot of late and there is a huge fear for them of losing their child or their child being hurt but what they find. Yes, that fear is valid, but don't let the fear rule you, aparents - that will be your first and possibly last mistake in the adopion situation.
So that about sums it up for me. Adopion is not easy, not like what was "promised" to all of us (aparents, first parents) whether it be closed or open. There are too many different emotions and outcomes and therefore I think imperative that we all do it together and do it to the best of our ability to make it work out. Fear is probably the biggest emotion for all of us and that is the mountain that must be conquered, the fly in the ointment, the storm on the horizion, the rotten apple in the basket - whatever works for you to imagine it - but it really is the "problem" for all of us. Don't let it win.
Shelley Rackett
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