[Donald1968]

was adopted in the UK in 1968. My mother was age 24 and cared for me for the first 2 weeks of my life. When I reached 14 I became curious about my roots and when I was 17 I obtained my original birth certificate. My search became rather arduous and tiime consuming (this was before the internet etc)! I kept coming up against brick walls. I eventually traced my mother's uncle and visited him. He gave me some photo's and said that he hadn't seen the family since 1964 after the tragic death of his sister (my mother's mother). I later found out that she committed suicide. My mother had a boyfriend and her mother fell in love with him. She felt so guilty that she committed suicide. I eventually traced my mother's father. He told me that he hadn't had any contact with her since she was pregnant with me when she had an argument with him over some money from a family business. Apparently her mother left everything in her will to my mother and nothing to him. He also re-married to someone who was not much older than my mother. The last time she saw him she told him that she was pregnant and that he was never going to see her grandson. Up until his death in 2000 I enjoyed a good relationship with him. He was able to tell me a little about who I believed was my birth dad (his name wasn't on the birth certificate). After several years of hard work I gave up as I kept coming up against brick walls. In 1994 I managed to trace my birth dad who gave me some photo's of my mother. He said that she wasn't a maternal sort and never wanted a baby. The plan was always adoption. He told me that she had developed a good relationship with his parents (bearing in mind her mother was dead and she wasn't talking to her father) and continued to stay in touch with them until 1980. He was able to give me an address in the USA where she went to start a new life several years after my birth. She married an American who was 16 years her senior and they lived first in Montana, then California and finally Oregon. They owned a couple of restaurants together and moved around a lot. After lots f hard work and determination I tracked her down in 1995. I wrote several discrete letters to her but got no reply. Eventually I couldn't stand the waiting and obtained the number of her restaurant and phoned. I was stupid to tell a member of her staff who I was (I don't know if she told her). I said that I would phone back later and asked if she could be available. When I phoned she said who she was and said that I had the wrong person and put the phone down. I was devastated. I wrote several letters over the coming months explaining my pain and pleading with her but heard nothing. I gave up around 1996 and wrote no more until 2001. I still heard nothing. More recently I decided to see where she was living and through a website obtained her PO box number which she uses. I also discovered that in 2000 she was the driver of a car which crashed and which her husband was killed. I then came across a photo of her getting married to a woman in a gay marriage ceremony. I got her address (but haven't written to that). I have been in contact with someone in Oregon (a birth mother) who has acted as a go between. I have posted letters to her and she has posted them to the PO Box number. She has also enclosed a note with her address etc and a little about her story. I did this as I live in the UK and wasn't sure if she would read my letters once she saw where they came from. I have sent 2 letters this year. In the letters I have tried to focus on her feelings and not my own. I have emphasised how brave she was to give me up etc and how I respect her for that. I have also told her that my life has been ok and that I had a good upbringing. I think that previously my letters may have been more about me. I also emphasised that she was important to me and I was determined never to give up on her. Yesterday she phoned my friend in Oregon and left a message on her answerphone. She apparently sounded very short and to the point but a little scared and frustrated. She said that she didn't want any phone calls, letters or Dvd's (I had mentioned in my letter that I was going to send her a dvd of me and my family). I intended to record my feelings on it and also include some footage of when I was a baby on it too. She also said in the message that she owed no explanation to my friend. My friend phoned her later in the day and spoke to her calmly. She asked about medical history (which is one of the things I am interested in) She said that her mother committed suicide when she was young and she hasn't spoken to her dad since she was 22. She said that she felt like I was intruding and that she just wants to get on with her life. My friend told her her story and she listened. My friend described her as being silent. Shhe then said that she had to go as she has people here and said thanks and goodbye.


I see this as being positive. She has at least acknowledged me now and she knows that I can get her phone number. I feel that her pain is deeply associated with the loss of her mother which is one of the reasons she couldn't keep me without having a mother figure she may have felt unable to be one herself. I also think that she hasn't told her partner. I am hoping that she will crack and open up? What should I do? I look forward to any helpful suggestions. Many thanks