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Originally Posted by soulsearching
I also don't want to forgive her because it feels like forgiving her comes part and parcel with opening my heart back up to her and I know from actions as recent as 3 weeks ago that she can't be trusted with my feelings.
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Hey SoulSearching,
I just saw your post.. sorry I haven't responded to this sooner!!!
I have to say, I am so familiar with that feeling. That was the biggest reason I didn't want to forgive my dad, too! I finally said enough is enough, I'm not a child anymore, and I won't let myself be walked on anymore. Now, my dad's actions towards me were nothing compared to what your mom has done, but in my mind, they were bad enough, hurtful enough, to have to protect myself.
I also wanted to say that I don't think you should feel too badly about not letting your mom see your kids right now. I think if you need separation from your mom to work through this anger than that is in your children's best interest for you to make sure that happens. I also wonder if you might be preventing them from getting hurt the same way you've been hurt. I'm hopeful that she wouldn't hurt your kids in any way, but for now, don't feel like you're rushed. Sometimes when we take the pressure off ourselves things fall into place.
I am happy that your mom is being more respectful of your wife, and actually quite impressed by your wife's being supportive of you somehow healing enough to contact your mom again. That is very sweet of her. It will happen in the right time. I think the most important thing is that you deal with the damage she's already done, the way she's already traumatized you, and work on your own family (your wife and kids). Everything else comes after that, IMO. Doesn't mean it'll take years to get to a point where you can see your mom again, but doesn't mean it'll happen overnight, either. You know it won't happen overnight, unfortunately. But, in time, I have faith that you'll be able to heal from this. And when you do you will be stronger and happier for it.
You'll never be "the same." I've struggled with that. Well, I used to. Now I realize that the way I am now is healthier. I may not be the most optimistic person anymore, and I may be a nervous person at times, too, but I'm not the victim anymore either.
I don't know about you, but until a few years ago, my dad could flash me a look, and I'd be right back to 7 years old again. It's awful how that happens.
Since our own blow up, that has not happened. I might see things that would bother me before, that would have reverted me to that age before, but it doesn't anymore.
I think it's interesting, and scary, that your mom is in the mental health field and has abused you so significantly emotionally. I am very sorry that she did this to you. You are doing the right thing trying to put a stop to this, and eventually, it will stop. It will take time, and it'll take a while to recover from this breaking point, but you will recover. And you and your relationships and your family will all be better for it.
Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.