[soulsearching]

Julie - I really appreciate your taking the time to post as I got a lot out of it.

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

Sometimes, we tend to hang on to things that are familiar, even if they are not good for us. The familiar is less terrifying than the unknown, even if in your conscious mind you know you want to live an angry free life, it's scary to wonder what it will be like..

That makes sense, but I don't believe it's the familiarity that makes me hang on. Part of the equation is that I don't think she deserves to be forgiven. I think this stems from the fact that she is a psychiatrist and I really think she knew the depth and gravity of what she was doing.

I also don't want to forgive her because it feels like forgiving her comes part and parcel with opening my heart back up to her and I know from actions as recent as 3 weeks ago that she can't be trusted with my feelings.

I think I need to find a way to seperate forgiveness from entrustment as it really is a simple reality that she will say something ugly and manipulative in short order. I know that sounds like I am prejudging her and it's somewhat unfair to predict what someone will do, but I have 35 years of experience behind this and that's just the way she is.

I guess I see hope in that she has started treating my wife better. The caveat to that is that I think she's afraid of being cut-off from the kids altogether. She was nasty to my brother's first wife (they had children) and she bascially didn't get to see the kids because nobody wanted to go out of their way to be around her.

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

We didn't have an all out blow out, but I finally took a stand in my defense. I walked out on a visit I paid them because of the way he was treating me that day. (DH and I have been together over 10 years, and it was the only time DH got a taste of what I grew up with..) I ended up leaving and not going back. For many years. I actually stopped talking to my mom for about a year. That was a miracle in itself. Her and I would talk at least once a day, sometimes more. But I refused to call the house and apparently she didn't feel the need to call me.

I have not talked to my mother for about 3 weeks. I feel bad because I don't want to deny her the joy of her grandchildren, but I don't want to be around her and - at this point at least - we're a package deal. Tonight my wife asked again if I had talked to my mom and I said no. She commented that it's been awhile I simply told her that I am ok with it. No anger, no terseness, just the knowledge that it's my life and if I don't feel that communicating with her is the thing for me (for now) then that's ok.

I will make an effort to figure out getting the kids to her, but again, I resent even that because she made the bed with my wife and then states she doesn't feel welcome in our home. Part of me wants to say "Well of course you feel that way - it's true! But can you see how YOU created that situation?"

The simple reality is that she cannot fathom why my wife doesn't like her because in her mind she's just sharing her opinion when she says ugly things, or belittles her as a mother. It's insane, literally. She's just aghast that my wife 'treats her' the way she does. You should hear the stuff she has said to my wife. Welcome in our house - sheesh, she's lucky to be ALLOWED in our house.

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

She was the only person in my life who asked me, do you want to forgive him? I said NO! I didn't think he deserved my forgiveness, I despised the man.
She told me the most wonderful, powerful thing. I don't have to forgive my dad!
I was floored! She told me there is no reason to forgive him if I don't want to.

It is freeing indeed to hear you say that. I know I need to let go of all this stuff, but I don't, in fact, have a timeline to abide and will do it when I am ready. I know this isn't carte blanche to hang on to such nasty stuff, ad inifinitum, but it does give me relief from the feeling of "I gotta do this NOW!"

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

I wish you freedom.
Best wishes. I'm very sorry your mom has been so abusive to you. Take care of yourself, and your family will repair.

Thanks you have actually given me some freedom just by sharing.