oh my gosh, soulsearching. No wonder you are so angry, and no wonder that you flipped out on your mom.
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It's funny...I think my hanging onto the anger has reached the point of being a choice. It's like a cancer patient who smokes - I chose not to give it up even though I know it's killing me.
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Sometimes, we tend to hang on to things that are familiar, even if they are not good for us. The familiar is less terrifying than the unknown, even if in your conscious mind you know you want to live an angry free life, it's scary to wonder what it will be like..
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It's funny, I just caught myself thinking "If only I could get rid of all this stuff without forgiving her." It's like I truly do know what to do to move forward, but I am just not willing yet to 'reallocate' all that power to her.
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I want to share a story with you.
I had issues growing up. Without getting too long winded, I had many years of despising my dad. My folks are still married, btw. I had so much anger. For many reasons, but all tracing back to my dad. Things came to a crashing head a few years ago. We didn't have an all out blow out, but I finally took a stand in my defense. I walked out on a visit I paid them because of the way he was treating me that day. (DH and I have been together over 10 years, and it was the only time DH got a taste of what I grew up with..) I ended up leaving and not going back. For many years. I actually stopped talking to my mom for about a year. That was a miracle in itself. Her and I would talk at least once a day, sometimes more. But I refused to call the house and apparently she didn't feel the need to call me.
Some interesting things happened. My obese mom started to slim down. I started to slim down. There was something toxic about our relationship and when we took a break from each other, our health improved!
During this break, I went to a healer. I think she was called a spiritual healer. If my friend hadn't told me so much about her, I never would have considered going. Well, I told her how I grappled with being able to forgive my dad. For everything.
She was the only person in my life who asked me, do you want to forgive him? I said NO! I didn't think he deserved my forgiveness, I despised the man.
She told me the most wonderful, powerful thing. I don't have to forgive my dad!
I was floored! She told me there is no reason to forgive him if I don't want to. She said a lot more, which I don't remember all these years later.
After a year of silence, I started talking to mom again. Things were even better in our relationship. Then dad started treating me respectfully, for the first time in my life. I didn't trust his actions for years, but after the last couple of years, and how he's finally stepped up to the plate to be a dad (better late than never, right?) I'm believing that he is genuine.
I also made a decision that I could either accept him as he is, with all of his faults and have a relationship with him and my mom, or I could walk away. So, I've been accepting him and trying to let go of the past. I'll be honest, one wrong step on his part and I'm sure that all those angry feelings won't be too far away.
But, you know what? I think I've actually forgiven my dad. I never imagined I ever could, or that I ever would, and I din't WANT to... But I'm not angry at him anymore. I can't explain it.
Now, my dad did none of the serious stuff that your mom has done. So I don't expect any miraculous forgiveness.. If you're able to forgive her, than God bless. But I want to tell you what that healer told me so many years ago. You-don't-have-to-forgive-her! It freed me.
Freed me from high expectations, freed me from guilt over not being able to forgive, freed me from my own pressure to forgive.
I wish you freedom.
Best wishes. I'm very sorry your mom has been so abusive to you. Take care of yourself, and your family will repair.