[soulsearching]

I find myself wondering if the pain will ever end. I also find myself fearing it won't.

My birthmom, with whom I was reunited 2 years ago, did the right thing when she gave me up. That doesn't mean I don't regret her relinquishing me, but I have never blamed her in the sense that she did something wrong.

I was adopted by 2 physicians, the third of three adoptees in this family. My parent's split when I was about 3 and all three of us went into the custody of my mother - who, deep down, was pretty sick and abused us psychologically - to varying degrees.

The mind ****s were pretty harsh, although usually not malicious...usually.

The things that stand out in my memory are her 'suicide' attempts. I paraphrase the word suicide because I don't think she ever had the courage to really kill herself, but made me believe she was going to do it 2, maybe 3 times. Once she told me she was going to kill herself when I turned 18 - I think I was 14 or 15 when she told me that.

When you feel abandoned at your core, hearing that kind of stuff is pretty terrifying. And I don't mean "really big rollercoaster" terrifying, I mean you live in a state of terror that the only person that loves you wants to leave you kind of terrifying.

Ordinarily, I suppose I would reach a point where I would be able to let this stuff go - but I haven't...at least not yet. You see there is this little complication that gnaws at me. My mother is a mental health professional. There is a part of me that says, "she knew EXACTLY what she was doing" when she said those things. It's like she knew she was crushing my soul and took some perverse pleasure in it. I think I am unable to let go because of the depth of the cuts she inflicted.

I am a good person. For some reason, I have known all of my life that I am a gentle soul and also knew that was a good thing. I hate her for crushing - intentionally undermining - that gentle soul, which is so damaged today.

Finding my birthmother was, and is, healing. She is a kind person and has been very lovely to me and my wife and children. Her husband, who is not my biodad, has welcomed us with open arms, too. She has an adopted son (19) and a daughter (13) - who have also welcomed me with open hearts. But, as wonderful as that experience has been and continues to be, it does not close the wounds laid open by my mother. I went looking for answers, not my mother. Although the relationship I share with her is wonderful and we share a bond that goes beying mere friendship - my mother (adoptive) is my mother and that's that.

I tend to believe in magic. I believe in silver bullets, despite knowing they don't truly exist. Finding my birthmother was supposed to heal a part of my very soul that felt nothing but pain, but it didn't. I suppose that it didn't do that because no matter how hard it was to be given up by her, it wasn't the end all answer as to why I am sick to my soul. I think it's what happened after that that either *really* inflicted the damage - or was the final nail in the coffin...or something like that.

I sit here, 40 and unable to forgive my mother for the abuse she subjected me to and therefor, unable to move on - in a sense.

My wife is a lovely person, and I, in turn, subjected her to years of emotional negligence. I really didn't know that's what I was doing, and although our marriage is on shaky ground, it's not because she hasn't forgiven me or been supportive and understanding. My children are beautiful beyond words. My little boy is 3 and the perfect combination of rough little boy and gentle little soul with so much to give. My little girl is lovely, and as she nears 2 is reaching that point where she feels taken care of and therefore is becoming more loving and interactive everyday.

Everyday, I am an ******* to my wife and kids because a cancer of anger resides so very ****ing deep in my soul.

My mother lives a couple of hours away. Because she has been pretty nasty to my wife in the past, I usually take the kids to see her and give my wife some time off. Since I confronted her, she has been nicer to my wife, but we're still not to the point where my wife feels compelled to go for visits. Anyway, it's a lot of work when I go see my mother and step-father becuase they aren't *a lot* of help with the kids. They try, and do indeed help with the kids, but I really can't relax because a) I can't really relax around her and b) I have to not only handle the kids the whole time, but help her handle the kids with what she does. (It's hard to explain. It's a combination of not being a very warm person, being old, and not having been around toddlers for about 37 years.)

Anyway, I went for a visit and I had a little blow out with my mother 2 weeks ago. My son's earplug fell out while she was giving him a bath (he has tubes in his ears) and I reacted negatively to that. I wasn't really mad at her, I was just frustrated and she stated that there was no need to be "hysterical." I told her I would take care of the kids and even though we were supposed to stay another night, I grabbed all our stuff and left that night.

I guess it was a good thing in that I just said to myself "I am not willing to be around this stuff." I freely admit that I overreacted to the earplug, but being called hysterical by my mother was just too much. She just happens to be the person who taught me the art of overreaction and she doesn't appreciate that a) it's her **** fault I have to bring the kids by myself and b) that it's a lot of work. It's like going from 2 kids to 4 just by walking through a door. And, being called hysterical by my mother is a bit like being called a racist by the KKK - it's just beyind the pale.

So...here I sit. Forty years old with a marriage that might or might not make it. I feel compelled to get my kids around my mother as often as possible but I am pissed at her for putting me in that position because of her treatment of my wife AND I've got this permanent hairball of anger at her I've been trying to cough up for years and I just can't seem to get it all the way out. And being around her just isn't fun.

It's funny...I think my hanging onto the anger has reached the point of being a choice. It's like a cancer patient who smokes - I chose not to give it up even though I know it's killing me.

Things have been better of late. My wife and I have really been making an effort to be better to one another and it hasn't been forced - most of the time. I really do love her and want it to work out, but unlike this thing, it's not all my choice and I honestly believe she just flat out hasn't made up her mind as to whether she's still in it or not. I don't fault her too much on that - I was a major pain in the *** for a long time, but I do need her to make a decision so we move forward, one way or another.

At some point I am going to have to forgive my mother. But I think I hold onto it by choice because I am not willing to give her the power that goes along with forgiving her. It's like I'll be giving up a defense shield when I really don't trust her... I don't know - it's hard to explain.

I am very tired, and need to go to sleep, but I had to expel this stuff. When it comes up fresh in my mind, I usually just swallow it back down, but I need to stop that. I wanted to put this message in a bottle and cast it out in a sea where I know people like me will read it and understand.

It's funny, I just caught myself thinking "If only I could get rid of all this stuff without forgiving her." It's like I truly do know what to do to move forward, but I am just not willing yet to 'reallocate' all that power to her.

It's funny. I joined this group almost 3 years ago as "soulsearching" and I am still doing just that.

Anyway - thanks for listening. I hope that someone might get that "I'm not the only one" epiphany from reading this.

SS