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Parenting these kiddos is all about the attitude. Her goal is to drive you absolutely insane and if she's a good rad child, she'll be fantastic at it. Your job is to never let her see that she got you.
She doesn't do this out of meanness but to her the world appears unsafe. She has to be in control. The one thing she has learned is that stupid adults are unsafe. So, she will test you beyond means to be sure that you are a smart enough adult to keep her safe.
These kids do not learn from their mistakes. However, it is important to continue to give them logical and natural consequences so that they can eventually, as they heal, grasp the cause and effect concept so later on they will learn from their mistakes.
Never ask "why" as it is an invitation to lie. I have one kid who freezes if asked "why". Then he gives an unrelated answer that makes no sense. If I forget and try to reason with him, I'm gonna lose this battle as he will continue to make stuff up.
Try to control the interactions she has with adults. If she has bfamily visits, then she should interact with them and you and no one else that isn't absolutely necessary. She needs to learn to allow you (or bmom)to meet her needs. She needs to be taught appropriate boundaries with affection. Likely she's learned to hug and kiss to make people be nice to her. She needs to be hugged a lot, but by you or bmom, not strangers or other people.
You need to be sure when you look at her, even when you're angry, to do so with loving eyes and speak with empathy and softness in your voice.
Don't try to work on everything at once, you'll drive yourself crazy. If you make a mistake, you'll get an opportunity to try again.
Take care of yourself. You'll be pouring tons into this kid and getting nothing back for a long time. Don't forget to add fun things that help with bonding. Singing, playing, laughter-and this may be hard for her.
Kids need to play everyday-even really snarky ones.
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