[angelkisses0102]

Miserable Mommy post....be warned....I posted this elsewhere in the forums TODAY! I am certain it has 'something' to do with her past...with attachment. I could just cry!

A little background...Arianna was adopted from a very, very poor area of Russia...she was hospitalized her entire life there (11 months) because of recurring infections and a serious kidney/bladder issue. She was in a very sparse crib, no diapers, few toys, malnourished...but the nurses did hold and love her...I still get tears in my eyes when I remember 2 things...#1~the hospital director's passion and love for this child as we fought, yes fought in court, to get our adoption granted and #2~the nurses holding her all bundled up in a huge comforter by the hospital window so she could see outside and get fresh air.

She had major kidney surgery 6 weeks after we came home and was hospitalized in the PICU for almost a week...I stayed home with her for over 5 months....

We have never, ever had any signs of attachment struggles with her(other than not so great eye contact sometimes)...she was a snuggly but independent baby...a curious yet affectionate toddler....always very, very wise beyond her years...extremely smart...but a very spirited/willful kid.

When we brought Alex home, she regressed a bit...so we started co-sleeping...me in her bed with her for some one on one mommy time...we still continue this. I snuggle her, swaddle her, she shows and gives affection appropriately...she looks at me, in the eye, and tells me she loves me.

Soooo, the last week or so she has been 'difficult' and stubborn...more so than normal...LOL! She is also testing me big time..she is a 4.5 year old girl ...and getting defiant. I have been 'pushing' the attachment parenting thing...doing lots of attachment talk regarding her actions and decisions...and lots of 'extra time' with mommy (read time-ins) and almost no alone time or TV time alone.

Anyway, last night she was testing me...I asked her to hang her bathrobe up in her closet...and she just stared at me...I usually do the 1.2.3...thing. I get to 3 and she is glaring at me...so I turned the TV off (we were watching it together.) She flipped out, sobbing, crying, putting the robe away. I went to hold her and she scratched at my arms, tried to hit me....she told me she wanted to bite me! I felt like I had Alex in my arms...during his worst days(he is attachment disordered.) She so wanted to control the situation...and I wouldn't let her.

Finally the scary thing...I was holding her and she just 'shut off'...her eyes were a million miles away...she went limp...she wouldn't speak...show emotion....nothing. I just kept holding her and eventually(a few minutes...probably less) she came back and told me she was sorry and became her normal self. I 'think' she used that as a control tactic and when I didn't react she gave up.

Do you think she could have been faking us out attachment wise for over 3.5 years? I am such an attachment paranoid mom now...

DH is going to be hopefully getting a new job soon and we have 'talked' to her about that...and the fact that Daddy is going away next week, for work, for a few days.

What do you guys think? Maybe it's just me being hyper-vigilent attachment mom? I don't know but it scared the crap out of me!