Hi -- turning down a referral is indeed very very hard. We did turn down a referral during our daughter's adoption, but wound up revisiting the issues with another IA doc and accepted. Her bio parents came back for her, but those steps are what led us to our perfect little one (not perfect in the classic sense -- just perfect for us!
).
One thing to keep in mind is that IA docs can only work with as much info as they have available to them. If the info is spotty, then they can only assess risk. That was the case for our son -- and the IA doc assessed him with higher risk (in large part based upon his HC -- in the end, he has just turned out to be a small kid, altho perfectly normal). My point (yes, i do have one
) is to use this as a learning experience to really figure out how much risk you and DH are willing to accept (at least before the 1st trip -- the 1st trip provides a lot of info on the child b/c you can actually meet and see her, and assess the issues first hand). If you and DH are relatively risk averse, notify your agency that you do not want a referral unless it comes with X,Y and Z info (the info that an IA doc will need to properly assess risk and make a much more educated guess). You may need to be more up front with your agency about what you can and cannot accept, so that the burden is shifted a bit off of you, and onto them (in other words, they won't place you in a situation where your only option is to decline the referral, and then feel bad again). I think that emotions in this process are very natural -- this was a child, and of course she is in your heart, even if you did turn her down (I still think about that little one whose bio parents came back). But do use the time to really talk to DH, and talk to your agency about your referral criteria so that you can, to the best of your ability, prevent you from getting another referral that is unhealthy (as YOU define that term, based upon what you can and cannot accept).
Big hugs to you. It truly is hard, and NO ONE judges you for turning down a referral. Our son was labeled higher risk by an IA doc -- but DH and I knew that was okay for us. Again, in the end, it turned out perfectly, and he is a super smart, super amazing 3 year old now. Interestingly, we were more conservative about our dauhter's referral -- maybe b/c we knew that accepting a child with major issues would impact our son, and we were not willing to do that. But in each case, we assessed and determined our risk, and our agency was on board with that.
Again, BIG HUGS!!
PS -- sorry this got so long! Blame the attorney side of me
