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Karen, While I do not deny that there is a huge difference in adopting a child at birth and at 8-12 months, I would not assume that this has so much to do with attachment. I think it has a lot to do with personality. Both of my children have been with me since the day they were born. Both are healthy attached babes. Neither suffered trauma or had any prenatal exposure to anything. My daughter was the world's easiest baby but she is extremely strong willed; my son is a challenge in a different way, though also very strong willed. He is 13 months and becomes angry quickly, bangs his head, pushes with his hands to get somewhere and get on the move. He screams when I leave the room and continues to scream until I return. He wants his way no matter what.

I have many friends who have babes just like this, mostly boys. Everyone one of them is a biological child with his biological mother. I have concluded that they just need way more. But. . . I also have several friends who adopted toddlers, 10-16 months. Some were easier than others; again, I think personality is a huge factor.

This age is hard, the hardest in my opinion. Little people are beginning to understand cause and effect, are becoming opinionated and really able to indicate/verbalize that. They are much smarter than given credit for, are trying to assert some independence while being simultaneously terrified to venture to far away; it is all new territory for them. And. . . becoming frustrated, irritated, and exhibiting that is all totally normal toddler behavior. It also happens much much earlier for some kids than others. My son is exhibiting "terrible twos" now; my dd did at 10-16 months. She was mostly always delightful between 2-3 years.

I absolutely believe they also know stress and impatience when they see it. It might be necessary for you to put her in her crib and give yourself five minutes to de-stress. It can make a world of difference for you and her. It is also important, I think, to closely examine your responses to her screaming/whining. Are you giving her the most attention and interaction when she is angry/upset/screaming? Ignoring her at this age, when you know she is just angry because she did not get her way, can be very effective, though it depends a lot on the individual child. That did not work with my daughter.

Hang it there.