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Originally Posted By Pam

Rayon just had a three hour session with a therapist who understands attachment/bonding. The therapist has as rep as being great for adopted kids. She came to our house and Rayon was the real Rayon today....he had trouble making eye contact, wouldn't listen, wouldn't do what she said, and then he broke down and started to cry when we talked about his past (it broke my heart). He's tentatively diagnosed FINALLY with ODD, PTSD and Conduct Disorder....she doesn't want to mention RAD. He DOES have a conscience though and she feels he'll be fine. I'm so worn out, all I can say is I hope so! This little boy is hurting so much...it makes me furious that nobody caught on. He lost the woman who had wanted to adopt him as an infant...she recently died. She was his first placement and he lived with his birthmother too at the time, until she aged out of the system and left the home. THis woman had already gone to court to adopt him, and was waiting for 30 days to go by, when she had a debilitating stroke and could no longer take care of herself, let alone a child. Although Rayon hasn't lived with her for a long time, he lived with her relatives for a long time and still got to see her. When she passed on, he was probably beyond grief...and it was only about two months ago. He also probably was abused by somebody along the way in one of his foster homes....either a foster parent, a boyfriend of a foster mom, or one of the foster kids in the foster home. AND HE ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!!!! Yikes! I have to call his worker in delaware tomorrow. They promised to pick up his medical bills for now...this woman will not take a medical card, and he doesn't have one yet anyways. She doesn't charge a lot ($50 hour), but that's A LOT for us. We haven't even gotten his subsidy check yet so that we can pay her out of it. I can not explain how heartwrenching the bonding therapy was or how shocked I was that Rayon could get sooooooo stubborn and mad and hurt all at one time. I was told some very interesting things about kids who have to move around a lot. First of all, sometimes you have to remind them of where they are...they forget. Sometimes they think that they are in an old foster home; they get confused and have a poor sense of time and space. They may get diagnoses or act like they have diagnoses that are untrue because they are so confused and frightened (ADHD and mental retardation are two examples). I thought RAD was incurable....I guess its' not. If you're willing to work hard, the kids get better a lot of the time. Unattached kids shouldn't watch TV or play video games too much as they are supposed to interact with people, and I was told no sports for Rayon until he gets more in control of himself (or else he could hurt himself or somebody else)! If he wants to visit a friend or do something fun, he has to look me in the eyes and ask me politely. The eye contact is mandatory...these types of kids hate eye contact. I was told not to take him to stores yet because he is not in control of his hands enough to maybe not steal something (I figured THAT out already!). I was given a few exercises for Rayon to help ground him and to help him focus on where he is right now....sort of relaxation therapy. I guess you sort of throw out the book on normal therapy with kids who have been banged around the foster care system...they don't respond to regular therapy. The first thing Rayon said to me when I told him a therapist was coming is that, "I'm not going to talk to her." And he never HAD talked to a therapist before...he just kind of played in the office and acted ok. These are hurt, angry and mistrustful kids that need more than love, and it makes me so sad that the system itself is so abusive to the kids it is supposed to help. I am wiped out from this therapy session. I just wanted to share a few things I learned about attachment. Most older kids from foster care have some attachment issues....I strongly recommend that others in our shoes learn about it before believing that their kid is ADHD, ODD, mentally slow, autistic, etc....they could bloom after they learn to attach. It's going to be hard for a while here, but we love little Ray-Ray and maybe this adoption IS the best thing we ever did. If we learn to handle and turn around a RAD kid, we feel like we can handle any kid, and maybe help a lot more kids.