[swsoutherlands]

My husband & I met with our case worker, the kids' case worker, and the Guardian-ad-litem this morning. We were very open & honest about how the past 7 weeks have been and how we don't really consider ourselves to be a longterm solution-- meaning, we don't think we'd adopt our two foster kids if they became available. For over an hour we talked, I cried, they listened, we talked more. The case workers finally decided to find another placement for the kids and told us that it wasn't our decision that it was their's. After agonizing over whether or not to keep the two kids for the past two weeks, the decision is no longer ours to make. Oh, and it's been AGONY!!

I understand the reasoning and everything behind what they are doing, but I never expected how sad I would feel. And guilty and second-guessing. I keep thinking we should reconsider or do something different or MAKE it work. Those pesky "what-if" questions are swirling in my brain right now. It's soo hard to let go even though it was never a great placement and it wasn't what we wanted and it's been a tough, but still I can't help but wonder if I'm failing these kids or making a HUGE mistake or whatever.

I don't know what will happen next. I don't think I have any more tears to cry right now. I wrote on Tuesday about losing my enthusiasm and just haven't had the heart to check back in on the forum until today. Blah. There's no amount of training that EVER could have prepared for me this. I had NO idea it would be this agonizing.