[Kerri-Jean]

I don't know why my daughter pushes all my buttons. I have noone in real life I can say this to, but I really resent how hard my life is with her in it. If I try to vent to my friends or family they all can't understand why we adopted her in the first place. And that doesn't help. I love my daughter, I just don't know how to always do what's best for her, and sometimes I just get really upset.

She's 5 and in kindergarten. Last week her teacher called me because she threw chalk at the teacher and picked up the chalkboard, planning to throw that too. Tonight she hit the baby (18 months - her bio sibling). When I said that we don't hit and it's time to get out of the bath and into bed, because it really was late, she gets so mad at me. She is super pissed anytime she's not the boss. And I insisted and so she was just glaring and stomping around, saying that she doesn't like me and she wants to stay up. I kept trying to get her to look at me, even trying to hold her face in front of me, and she just gets even stormier. I wanted to get eye contact so I could explain that it was late, she's tired, we don't hit, we have church tomorrow, etc. and she's so **** defiant that she still won't meet my eyes.

So I said, fine, whatever, just go to bed and I kind of pushed her toward the door. Not like PUSHED like shoved, just kind of directed her that way because I was sick of fighting with her and needed her to go to sleep, and she overreacted and thrashed around and bumped her face on the wall in the hallway. Then she screamed and freaked and could hardly breathe and went on that she doesn't love me and I'm mean and I hurt her. And I said to her, "What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to let you hurt the baby, and be rude to me and say these horrible things? I don't know how to be a good mother to you." Which I know in hindsight was a very bad thing to say and probably raises all kinds of fears in her. But it was sincere. I'm not all that good at being her mother, and times like this I wonder why I'm even trying. I'm just so tired of it being hard.

We've had her for 15 months and most of the time things are reasonably fine and normal and happy. But anytime someone else tries to be the boss she goes mental. And I know it's a security/attachment/adjustment thing, but I need to vent tonight. I know I screwed her up further because I was angry with her when I "pushed" her, but my intention wasn't to hurt her, and I really didn't, she did. (Anytime I try to carry her or control her/hold her/show her who's in charge she thrashes around and freaks out.) And then I damaged her further by admitting I don't know how to take care of her, which is likely her worst fear anyway. But I'm tired of this crap. I'm just tired. It's tiring. I'm tired of being tired.

Please don't flame me. I just needed to talk to people who might understand. I have no intention of abandoning her or giving up or beating her up. I just have no-one to talk to about it.

Kerri