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If you have told her before, but gently, you may need to be more forceful and make sure that she gets it. I was pretty thick-headed myself in the beginning of reunion. It took several very blunt talks and emails for some stuff to finally sink in with me. I needed to lower my expectations, be less hovering and move more at my son's pace. Even though those conversations and emails hurt me deeply, I needed to hear my son - and pay attention to what he said. I did and ultimately it helped our relationship. I did not get all defensive and hurt and overreact though it wasn't easy not to.
Can you find an adoption support group in your area? Your issues with your birth mom are very common ones and talking to others who have walked in your path could be very helpful.
I don't know though, if you consider even talking to her a compromise, that makes me wonder if you do not have a ton of anger toward her that needs to be worked on. You sound ambivalent about whether you want a relationship with her at all - maybe you are. Personally, I would hate to think that my son only stayed in touch out of pity. Counseling and or a support group could help a great deal.
Do you understand that she introduces you as her daughter because she's terribly proud of you? Isn't that kinda understandable? Have you told her not to? I will admit that I have always been ultra respectful of my son's wishes in this regard. I asked him if he minded if I introduced him as my son.
You need to have a really serious talk with her and not mince words. If subtle didn't work, be more blunt. It will hurt her, but, in the long run, you gotta do it. Let her know how serious this is to you and that big changes must be made.
Makes me wince to hear that you don't want her at your graduation - so sad. Could you work on her behavior and reconsider?
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