[rapunzel_001]

My birthmother pushes every boundary everytime I have any contact with her. I have expressed this to her gently and told her what I consider acceptable. She just keeps pushing. I agree to see her a few times a year out of pity. I refuse to return phone calls that fall on holidays, but she just keeps calling all day long.

Most recently she declared her intent to come to my law school graduation. She did not ask, she declared. She does this in front of other people so I feel constrained to be very polite. I told her it was a family event to me and that I would not have time to spend with her that day. It was very hard to have to say that. She blithely insisted that that would be no problem, and what was the date, she'd like to book plane tickets.

I feel like she is forcing me to be very rude. I do not want her there, she makes me anxious and upset and I want to enjoy my day with my parents and my friends. I feel like she wants to be there so she can be introduced as my mother. But she is not my mother and never will be. My mother is the woman who raised me.

The hardest part is that she and I are very much alike. Emotionally, I am well aware of how I would cope with unrequited love like this and how deeply I would feel in a similar situation. We are both people who feel intensly. So on an intellectual level I feel very sorry for her. But in the end, I have to protect myself emotionally from her constant onslaught.

I have decided to try one more time to communicate my feelings. I want her to know that I do not want her to come to graduation and I don't want the type of relationship she wants. But I don't want to crush her and I do want her to know that if she can respect my needs, I can remain open to some sort of relationship. But I am not open to an instant relationship based on biology. I want to grow as friends the way any other strangers might get to know each other over time. I feel like this might be an impossible thing for her.