[heartened]

In this instance I'm a little sad that I don't still speak with my adoptive mother. I'd like to ask her how she framed telling one of my brothers about being adopted and at what point she told him what she knew about his birthmother so I could share that with you, Celine.

As I've said before, we've known our entire lives we were adopted. At some point, my mother also disclosed to my brother that his birth mother was a drug addicted prostitute. I don't remember how she told him or exactly how old he was. I do know that it was at least by the time I was 11 - which means he was around 15 - because I remember saying to the school counselor, "At least he knows something about his birthmother, even if it is just that she was an addict, it is more than I know about mine."

I don't think we are required to give full-disclosure about someone else's issues to a child. The facts of the birth mother's life are HER history and can be shared at a later time. The facts of his own birth are HIS history and I do not believe this should be witheld.

As parents we are forced to come up with creative "age-appropriate" answers all the time. "Mommy, what were you and daddy doing last night? How come you were making those weird sounds?" This is not a question I answer with "full-disclosure." Doing so is not age-appropriate. But I don't lie. I don't say, "You must have been dreaming," or "We were exercising." Since my children know that everyone needs privacy (including them), I simply tell them, "Daddy and I were sharing some private time together." This suffices because I have laid the groundwork previously.

It is equally possible to answer any questions your child may have about his birth mother without full-disclosure AND without lying to him by framing the answer in a way that focuses on the positive.

"Mommy, why didn't she want to keep me?"
"Honey, she just didn't have the ability to take care of you."
"Why not?"
"Because she couldn't make sure you had a warm bed to sleep in at night and yummy food to eat in the morning. But we could and we're glad we are lucky enough to tuck you in at night and make waffles for you in the morning and give you big squishy hugs!" Followed by a tickle and giggles.

By doing this you achieve several goals -
1. You answer his questions with honesty.
2. You do not disclose age-inappropriate information.
3. You reaffirm and reassure that he is loved and wanted.
4. You do not paint the birthmother in a negative light (no matter how deserving of this she may be).
5. You give him something else to focus on (hugs, tickles and giggles) rather than him dwelling on being "given up" and the associated feelings.

That's how you maintain the balance between being honest with your child and protecting him from painful information he simply has no need to know as yet.

I hope this information is useful to you when you finally decide to tell him.