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Anne, WOW!!! What a story! You should write a book, you have an excellent ability to weave your words. My heart goes out to birthmothers who place one child, but to have to go through it twice is so unbearable. I hope you know that you are truly lucky in one thing : you have 2 sets of aparents that keep you in the picture and your beautiful girls will know you. That would've meant alot to most of us -my age- to have been able to pick and choose the aparents. I placed my son 25 years ago when things were still so archaic, and we "bad girls" were sent off to homes for unwed mothers and kept in hiding so the neighbors, etc. wouldn't know... I have been searching for him since he turned 21 (4 years I've been looking) and I - as a birthmother - can't do much more than post on every website I can find. I am not allowed to obtain a copy of his amended birth certificate with his new name, I am not allowed to even know if he was adopted in or out of my state (KY). So I have registered with ISRR, posted on as many websites as a computer-illiterate 44 year old is able to navigate, have consent letters on file with the adoption agency and in the state capital's file... What more can I do?? Your experiences are so fresh and mine are so old, but we go through alot of the same emotions every day of our lives. Only a birthmom can fully understand the ramifications of what we're going through, throughout the entire process. It's something that's with you every single day of your life. Something my parents have never understood, to this day. My mother told me recently that she doesn't know why I continue "dwelling" on this after 25 years... I was told to sweep it under the rug, go on with my life and not to think about it. As if "it" can go away. For my parents, "it" did, indeed, go away. They never gave it another thought when all was said and done. Glad to be rid of "it". I have always acknowledged that I have a son. When I would meet a man, he would know right away that I had a son and it was a good judge of character for me to see which "men" could handle that information and which "wimps" could not. To accept me was to accept my "Bastard Son" as my mother so lovingly referred to him as once. I have been married now for 12 years to a man who immediately knew all about Joshua. It has only been recently (in the past year) that I have been so active in my search. I didn't have a computer til then, so there wasn't much I could do prior to that. I had my sister post on my behalf when he turned 21 four years ago, but now I have been online for about a year trying what I can from my end. It was only yesterday that I was made to realize that this searching may be taking a toll that I was not aware of on my husband. That even though he knows all about Joshua (as do my 11 year old son and 9 year old daughter), but he may be feeling left out by my consumption in this endeavor. Something to talk about with him, something to consider. There's always someone else to consider, isn't there?!!! Thanks for sharing your story. I know there was more than one time when reading it that I cried right along with you, sweetie. You're a strong woman. Stay strong for yourself. Tammi
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