[mallory4]

Well, I have tried to take it as an opportunity to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

Those freinds and family members who are supportive and reacted to the arrival of our foster/adopt son like they did the arrival of our biokids all moved up a notch in my mind, and those who have been rude or indifferent about it have inched that much closer to the curb--or right off of it!

Luckily for us, none of the indifferent folks live anywhere near us, so there is little opportunity for thier attitudes to affect any of our kids.

The family member who is my closest relative is also one who has been least enthusiastic. I was very honest with her, letting her know that I thought it was rude, but that I saw it as a limitation of HER character that she couldn't open her heart to a child, and that in the interest of her own mental health she might want to spend some time looking at why that is so.

I am not a religious person, so I can just laugh at the fact that the most "Christian" branch of our family is also the branch who is least in favor of our adding to our family through foster/adoption. Apparently, they have read a different Bible than we have--theirs says that what Jesus would do is put a big cross in the yard, and rant and rave about homosexuals and abortion, but not care for "someone else's" child. Different strokes!

If it was me, and I really cared about the friend, I would just tell her that her behavior/attitude is hurtful to you and as a friend you are asking her to change it. If she doesn't apologize and respect that, I would cut her loose.

About the mother-in-law, that is tougher, but I still think honesty is the best policy. You could start off gentle and see where that gets you, then toughen up as needed, while always being respectful.

Maybe there is a way you or your spouse could ask her what is behind her actions, in a way that made it clear you want to help her be more comfortable with the idea. If that doesn't work, maybe you and your dh could work together to decide how to spell it out for her what you need (e.g. the foster child gets a gift when the others do, send a birthday card, display photos the same, no verbal comments that set the child apart, etc.)

My own experience is that dh is more willing to confront his mama than to have me do it, so I would give him the first chance. If she didn't straighten up, at least he would know you had tried everything and perhaps he would be more supportive of whatever measures you decide are needed (not inviting her to birthdays, etc.) to protect your kids' feelings.