[Shoshana]

Sometimes, if a little one has had a traumatic and/or broken bond with a female, then it will be risker for him/her to attach to a female. Your foster son is so young, he desperately needs to attach to you, but it is threatening and uncomfortable to him. There are all sorts of sites on attachment parenting (and maybe someone with more experience/info on attachment will chime in) -- but in the meantime, there's plenty you can do.

Skin to skin contact (bathing). Lots of holding, carrying -- get a maya wrap so you can 'wear' him.
Play with him, on his level -- hand pieces of food (cheerios?), play peek-a-boo, feed tiny bites of ice cream -- anything to make him look at you.
Try to be the primary care giver -- you change diapers, bottle, put to bed, carry, etc. Try to limit contact with people outside of your immediate family. Most of all, cuddle. Remember, he doesn't know --how-- to attach, it's scary, and it hurts -- he needs you to show him. He needs you to meet his every need. This child cannot be spoiled. He has learned that adults either don't meet his needs, and/or hurt him.

You're not a failure, it's really hard to be rejected by a child. It helps when you understand the 'why's' of the apparent rejection. It's because he's been hurt. Your hubby is safer. If this continues with no intervention/change/improvement, that won't be good -- his attachment to your husband won't be a secure one because he will not have healed from the earlier trauma. He really needs you. As far as your feelings about not bonding with him -- well, that's perfectly normal given what's going on. I am pretty sure that if you learn about attachment parenting, and practice with him, your feelings for him will grow. Until then, pretend! (seriously).

There's another forum here specifically related to attachment -- you might want to post there as well.

Best wishes...