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Originally Posted by krajewskim
I also understand birthfather issues. Our BF was in jail at the time of the adoption and now that he is out he is looking for us in an attempt to kidnap his son. I live in constant fear. Our BF has a violent criminal past and he would stop at nothing to regain his "property". If you think your BF knows where you are anyway, you may want to get a restraining order against him and his family. Then he couldn't show up or call you. If he did, he could be put in jail. Just a thought if you are really that nervous. Good luck and remember it could be worse, you could have my kid's BF!!!!! :-)
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I don't know where to start with this one. Yes, my daughter's birthfather is less than a good example. In fact, he's someone that probably should be in jail (if he isn't already). However, our children are half these people...thank goodness they don't inherit half the decisions their birthfathers made or half their personality...but someday our children will come to us asking about their heratige. We may not be in a position to tell them much or even in a place where they can meet thier birthfathers, but not being careful about how you talk to them about their birthfamily can be very damaging to the child. Be careful.
Getting a preemptive restraining order is not fair (I don't even know if you CAN do that) and will likely only cause more problems than not. Take precautions, yes, but to have them served a notice out of the blue saying "The adoptive parents have the baby and will call the police if they ever see you again" is likely to be counter-productive unless threats of harm have been made or previously attempted. I realize that the above quote isn't what would be said, but to a birthparent that is what is heard...I can't speak for birthfathers (cause the only one I know I haven't spoken to since I escaped with my daughter) but I'd imagine the ones with the type-A or destructive/controlling personality (like yall have hinted at) could very well hear something like that. Plus, it's never okay for an adoptive parent to close the door on a birthfamily if there was any previous agreement of any kind (even verbal) of some form of continued relationship unless the child or family is in harm's way...that's my opinion on the subject.
Anyway, I guess all I'm saying is be careful. It's sometimes better to protect your family by not initiating contact or having supervised contact than by starting a fight with an unneeded restraining order. Plus, could it cause problems with your child's birthmother, birthfamily or any other family (including the birthfather's extended family)?
"It could be worse, you could have our kid's BF...."
Just be careful...birthparents are not trading cards...we aren't old cars that you brag about the amount of work they need and whomever's is worst is the winner...some of us do care about our children and do everything in our power to be there for them and make their lives better. Some don't. Not all birthfathers are bad. Not all birthmothers are good. We are all people, we come with the deal of adoption and everyone should be valued for his or her own right...even if the only part of that value you can perceive is in the creation of the child that would
not be there in your home without those birthparents. People can change...and even if they don't your children will see how you deal with these adoption issues and their identities and ideas about the world and adoption will be formed based on what they learn from you. Even if you have a "bad" birthparent who might be a little down on her luck or a birthfather who is having a hard time getting through his past or realizing the error of his ways...you still have a child because of those two people who (even though it's sometimes only one) were strong enough to let that child go so that they could love the baby from a distance for her own good.
Plus, every time you down on a birthparent (especially to someone who isn't familiar or part of the adoption world) it makes it that much harder for us to change the ideas out there that we are all stars of Lifetime movies or that we are all like the girl on Friends who talked about going to church camp as she gleefully (and surprisingly) gave birth to unexpected twins then laughed as parents she just met took them home. We are not what you see on TV. Unfortunately the world doesn't know this. All we are are 14 year old baby factories, drug addicts whose children have been taken away or ravenous stalkers who want to kidnap their kids. The vast majority of us are normal people who had a better plan for our children than what we could do for them at the time. We go to school, we work, we have families. We're your friends, neighbors and members of your congragation. We give blood, volunteer and read books to children at the library. Most of us are normal people like anyone else...and all we're trying to do is spread the word about adoption, raise awareness about all members of the triad and live as normal lives as we can after losing the most precios parts of us we have ever experienced.
Sorry, I'm geting off my soapbox...