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Hi again.
I agree, it sounds awful to say that I get to decide when to cut off contact. But that is the reality of it. Thats why i felt it important to be discussed PRIOR to her signing. I stated exactly what reasons would lead to physical contact being cut off. Not only did she understand, but she agreed.
As Lisa posted, both sides have to have faith in the other (with no foundation to base this faith on). If the birthparent needs something legal, then I'm not the adoptive family for her/him. That is the beauty about open adoption....if you do not agree with anything about me, you dont have to place your child with me. I felt being as open and honest about how we saw the relationship was the best way to go.
When we met my sons birthmom, she did not think having actual visits would even be a possibility. She thought pictures and updates would be all that she would be able to recieve, and she was fine with that. I was the one who said that I thought they were important people in not only the childs life, but MY life. I explained to her and her family why I would not only tolerate, but apreciate and want them being active members in our family.
So, maybe that is why that was enough for her. Honestly I don't know.
I fully appreciate that the idea of an adoption being closed is one of the most terrifying things that could happen to a birthparent. I have also seen a child greatly effected by the acts of her birthparents. I've seen her tear up when I asked how her visit went, not knowing that her birthmom did not show up. I've seen her deal with her birthmother's drug abuse better than any adult could, but it still devestates her . I would not allow this to happen to my child. I would not wait for a court to decide what was acceptable and what wasnt, and I will not justify to anyone why i feel this way.
PLEASE do not think that I am stereotyping. This is a very true story.
I'm not worried that my son's birthmom will stand us up.
I'm not worried that my sons birthmom will get into drugs.
I'm not worried that my sons birthmom will just stop talking to us.
I'm not worried that my son's birthmom will undermine me or my family in any way.
I didn't need her to sign anything stating this, I just have faith in her. It's a risk I'm willing to take.
Oh, we also have way more contact then what was agreed to in our morally binding agreement. I have followed through on all of my promises, and gone beyond in most cases. However, she has not really followed through on hers. It has caused us a bit of frustration, but we are dealing with that.
Jenna, you say you aren't sure what the answer is. I think the answer is different for everybody. It is up to both parties to make sure that they are comfortable with the situation. There is no right or wrong. In my opinion anyway.
Leigh
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Leigh
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