[msannab]

So much has happened since that awful day.

During my runaway escapades, I got picked up by the wrong people, got involved in bad things, etc. etc.

My B-mother lived in Puerto Rico; I went to see her a few times & was sexually abused by her b/f at the time; she never believed me & sent me back to my A-parents.

My B-father remarried & had 4 other kids (3 girls, 1 boy). I went to see him & at the time, he just needed me to care for the other 4.

Over a span of 3 years, I ran away over & over - more out of confusion (like where do I belong). This made my relationship with my A-parents dwindle slowly. Things were never the same. My A-father lost trust in me, so much that one day he asked me what would I do if he ever died - I said take care of my mom, but he refused to sign the house over to me. My dad died in 2002 & because of my dad's error, we lost the house to the nursing home. My A-mom is in a nursing home, doesnt' even know me now.

As far as my B-mom goes, we talk once in a blue moon - maybe I'm wrong, but I now expect her to provide for me emotionally & financially. She has a good life now (as compared to mine, I'm struggling ). She owns a condo & is happily married to an executive for a major drugstore chain. Again, correct me if I'm wrong, but once in a while I'll ask her for some money, as a loan, & she downright refuses - because her husband has a big family & they have to think of the holidays & all. But she does want me to call her "Mom" & I can't. I don't have that "love" for her (even if she didn't give me a dime).

AS for my B-father goes, I'm still in contact with him also (btw, my B-aunt & B-grandmother both passed away in the past 10 years). I'm not close to his other kids at all - in fact, they see me as an outcast (I think - what did I do wrong???). In fact, I recently went to my 1/2 brother's wedding (the last time I saw them was in 2001 at a 1/2 sister's wedding) & 2 of my sisters totally ignored me. I actually felt used - I gave my brother 100 bucks for a gift - something I can't really afford. The least they could have done was include me in the family pictures. Maybe a wedding is not the time or place, but on & off we've been in contact & I thought it's about time people knew about me instead of "hiding the fact I'm my father's 1st daughter". Then I look at pics of the past & the other 4 siblings, and realize, I don't belong with them either - only cause I didn't grow up with them.

And I do blame my biological family for lots of things - When I was running away from home during those fragile teen years, I think now that I could have the world - meaning, I never lived the life that my A-parents wanted - finish high school, go to college, meet a nice guy, get married & have kids - their dream & mine too. I did everything backwards thanks to that phone call. I had 3 kids (which all 3 I put up for adoption eventually - yet another story). I think now that if never knew, would I have done the same???? I went to college at age 40 (am now 46), got a 2 year degree, & still struggling. Where I should have stability in my life, I don't. My sisters & brother had that stability - everything turned out normal for them. I felt jealous watching my B-father dance with one of his daughters at her wedding in 2001. I could have had all they have but I was running away, to go see him or my b-mother.

Ironically though, I wish I had that closeness now with my sisters & brother.

Oh, one more thing. My B-mother had 2 more girls, 2 different men & she put them up for adoption too. I found both, but our relationship is next to nothing. When I met one sister (who lives in the next town over from where I am ) for the first time - we hugged (no crying at all - was expecting one of those Oprah moments) & simply said she was in a rush to go meet her husband at the train station. That was it - haven't heard from her since! AS for the other sister, she's in Arizona - she is doing way worse than me - only talked to her 3 times in 10 years!!

I don't know, I guess I'm expecting my b-parents to make up for what I lost because of them. Am I wrong to think like this? I have never been able to recuperate my success in life - it's always been a constant struggle.