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That must be so very difficult.
My opinion is that she is not ready to place her baby for adoption. Maybe this is her way of breaking it to you that she has changed her mind, or is thinking of changing her mind.
Either that or she is taking this "very open" adoption to extremes. Knowing she isn't able to parent, but wants to experience the joys of her new baby before handing her over to you(which I'm sure will be much harder for her to do after weeks of bonding with her...as HER BABY.)
A child can bond with an adoptive parent at any age. Yes the child will experience a loss(being seperated from birthparent) but I do not believe that a newborn baby really suffers like some theories would have you to believe...I believe the feelings of loss come more as the child grows and tries to understand everything and her place in the world.
I don't know anything about the pbmom but even in the few weeks she may have the child. What she does with the child will affect the babies ability to bond. (For example...a baby learns very early on to trust that one person (usually) mom, for food and comfort and amusement and every single need. If the pbmom does not respond to the child or responds in negative ways, the child learns not to trust, learns that when you cry..no one comes...when your hungry no one feeds you. I'm not saying the pbmom will not take care of the baby. But can you imagine all the emotions she will be going through? All the pain and confusion? In order to let her go...she may feel like she can't really attach to her, which may affect the way she treats her.
Besides, I could not bare to think of missing out on those first few weeks of life, when in most "normal" infant adoption the child is placed at birth or shortly after. I wouldn't want my child to go through the extra pain and confusion of one mommy to another...one feeding and sleeping schedule to another. I'd want to be there for my baby from the start....building that bond from the start(as my childs mom).
I think starting off an "open" relationship in this way is unhealthy for everyone involved. I can see a lot of problems arising from this situation. A lot more heart ache for everyone.
I would probably have a heart to heart talk with pbmom. Let her know you that you don't feel comfortable with that situation and let her know that while you would love to adopt her baby(under more normal circumstances) your willing to give her what she seems to need(which is to change her mind and decide to parent). Let her know that THIS IS HER DECISION and you wouldn't want to influence it in anyway. So if she feels she would like to take the baby home and parent than you will respect her decision and start looking for another match.
Maybe she will decide that adoption was right for her, in the first place (and that HER wants....should not stand in the way of what she feels is really best for HER BABY...which may be adoption) and ask you to still be the parents.
Or she may feel relieved that you are ok with her change of mind and still love and care for her as a person.
Or she may be dissapointed and decide that HER vision of OPEN is differnt than yours...and in that case...it would be best for her to find a more sutable match...because that much OPENNESS may be exactly what she wants (more like co-parenting) and may cause serious problems in your future relationship with her.
Sorry to make it so long... I'll go for now!!!
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