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Originally Posted by KR_adoptee
There will always be a hole in my heart because I was given up my biological mother. I think it makes it even harder because you can't say that to your adoptive parents.
Now that I know who my biological mother is I feel very cheated out of the life I would have had with her. Her family is everything that mine is not.
I think it's very hard to be raised by people who look completely different, and act completely different with a different personality, abilities, interests, etc. I know my parents wanted me to be like my cousins (their biological nieces and nephews). I grew up knowing I wasn't smart enough, or athletic enough, or successfull enough. I was this very shy, sensitive kid being raised by people who hated everything about me. They tried to do everything to make me like my cousins and suceeded only in making me feel like a failure. I know had they known who I was when they adopted me, they never would have choosen me.
On paper, my adoptive parents were great parents, I had a stay-at-home mom, and a dad who would provide the big house and everything I wanted. But I knew from the day they told me I was adopted and they lost their son, everything changed, and I knew they really wanted their son, and I was just a bad replacement for him.
I would never adopt a child, I really believe that parents should raise their own children, or be raised by family members. Because I feel adopted kids are ever really accepted into a family, no matter what people say. That was so true of not just myself, but a few of my yonger cousins that were adopted as well. We were even marked as "adopted" on the family tree, so not to be confused with the 'real' family members.
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First, I am very sorry that your adoption was clearly not the best of situations. However, I must offer another point of view.
I was adopted and I have
NEVER felt any "hole in my heart." My situation was different, my parents tried and tried and were never able to successfully get and stay pregnant. Both my brother and I were adopted. They love us unconditonally. I have over 20 cousins, none of whom were adopted and
ALL of whom accepted us with no questions asked or any "conditions," we are cousins.
A cousin of my husband's has adopted several children and she is doing some family history. We have talked about the adoption part of it and yes, she is marking her children as adopoted, but not because they are not her "real" children, but because in a "pure" genealogy sense, they are not in the "blood" line. If she didn't think they belonged in the family tree, she wouldn't include them at all.
I have to disagree when you say that children should always be raised by their biological parents or relatives. I think that the great majority of adoptive parents are like this original poster and my parents. Yes, there are exceptions and those break my heart (your case and others here on this forum as well). But by and large, it is the exception. I
KNOW that I would not have been better off raised by my biological mother.
Just my 2 cents