[Archive]

Originally Posted By Ave Marie Bucy

Hi- My parents divorced when I was little, and my mother soon remarried. At age 7, I was adopted by my stepfather with the consent of my birth father.

I firmly believe that step-parent adoption is a mistake. Although I was asked at the time whether I wanted to be adopted, no one explained the permanent consequences of doing so to me (probably assuming I was too young to understand.)

The adoption was presented to me as a fun way to have a daddy around. No one told me my real father would be removed from my birth certificate forever, replaced by a lie. No one told me it could never be undone.

The next 7 years of my life were a living hell. My stepfather, who had seemed to be a charming and wonderful person at the start, turned out to be a monster. He abused my mother and me mentally and physically for years. My mother finally divorced him when I was 13.

Although I had no contact with my birth father for nearly 10 years, we reestablished our relationship when I was 17. But unless I find some loophole in Ohio law or some miracle, my real father will never again be my real father in the eyes of the law. The forged birth certificate that sits in the courthouse makes me ill to even think about.

I ask you to think carefully about the long-term before you choose to impose step-parent adoption on a young child. While you never know how your current marriage will turn out, or whether you and your spouse will still be together in 10 or 20 years, your child's father (or mother) will ALWAYS be their parent. There is always a chance that they will reestablish their ties down the road.

The benefits of stepparent adoption are minimal. It may make your new family look more unified, and it may help get the old spouse out of your life. But unity and peace can be established in a simple step-family. None of my friends growing up were adopted by their step-parents and they missed out on nothing.

However, the damage adoption does to your child's bond with their real parent is permanent and unnecessary. I cannot tell you the pain this situation caused me growing up, and still today as I look for a way to reverse it.

Today I am 24 years old and married, and I love my birth father and my three younger half-siblings very much. But it is hard to be both his firstborn child, and the only one not legally recognized. Family bonds can survive the unthinkable, but adoption severs that official tie- forever! Think about it, and consider my story.

Hoping to prevent another child from ending up in my situation-

Ave Marie