[Shoshana]

Aargh! I have this book on my wish list at Amazon but haven't managed to order it yet. I will -- and hopefully soon because I'd love to be an informed participant in this discussion. I've already resisted the impulse to respond to comments/ideas since I haven't read the book yet.

I did want to respond, however, to Becky's comment above because it's important (sorry if this is too OT for the thread):

"I'd like to bring up a different issue...one not discussed in the book, but more personal to my situation as a parent. I have done a birthmother search and had disasterous results. I won't go into a lot of details, but just suffice it to say that I could never see myself willingly helping my daughter find her birthfamily. Not because I don't believe in it...I do, that's why I spent so much money and time trying to make contact....but because of the things I have learned since I made contact...all things that I think would be very hurtful to my daughter if she ever found out."

I'm so sorry for the outcome of the search, Becky. Of course you believe in it, that's why you initiated the search. I can understand that you don't want your daughter to have that information.

"My dilemma...if and when the time comes that Bella asks for me to help her find her birthmother...do I tell her I've already done it and tell her the things I know? Do I play dumb and just go along and 'hope' we do not find her a second time?"

I don't think it's a good idea to play dumb -- in essence, and I know you know this, you'd be lying (by omission). What if the results the second time around were even worse than the first? If she found out you lied, then her trust in you will be shaken at a time when she'll need you the most.

I'll share a related story that may help put this in perspective...

My sister, also adopted, has a hearing loss. We didn't know until her kids were tested that her hearing loss was genetic. All three of her sons have a mild/moderate to moderate/severe impairment. Nancy received a court order to open her records in the state of Indiana. Not an easy accomplishment. To make a long story short, the information she learned was appalling. Her biological mother is, to be blunt, quite disturbed and cruel. The bio mother relinquished 8 children, kept 2, and kept Nancy for 3 mos. Two of the 8 died in the orphanage under suspicious circumstances. Nancy has made contact with some of the siblings, some have refused, and her bio mother has been plain rotten -- eventually she did get her medical history and learned her bio father was deaf (although he was not the man listed on the birth certificate).

Learning this information, especially when she so desperately needed it and since she knew I'd had such a positive outcome for my search, was just devastating for her. It took her a few years to gain any peace, but she did get there -- she became closer to our parents (the same happened to me) and truly began to view adoption differently. She IS grateful for the knowledge because she has answers now -- even if they are not the ones she would have chosen. She knows who she looks like, she knows what her life might have been. Unfortunately, not all searches turn out well, not all birthmothers are "saints" (an inappropriate, imo, euphemism that I see frequently).

I do not know any of the details of your search, but I'm imagining the worst. Adoption is so often painted in a rosy way -- Yes, I think adoption is a good thing. I think even if adoptees struggle with adoption issues that it is still (assuming no coersion of the bio parents) a good thing. I have the highest faith that adoptees have every ability to be happy and lead productive lives. I know deep in my heart that one's status as an adoptee does not minimize or negate one's love for a-parents. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not a good thing, imo, to only paint adoption in a rosy light for kids, especially as they get older. If it is painted this way, then the questions and concerns they have don't make sense -- the concerns/questions have no realistic context. I've read on other forums here (I'm thinking mainly foster-to-adopt) that it's very important to share the "truth" with kids in an age appropriate way.

I apologize for rambling but I did want to share some of my thoughts with you.

By the way, Xiomara's first mother has recently married and has a new baby (there is another daughter who is 3 years older than Xiomara). Her husband knows nothing of the adoption and thus, there is no ability for ongoing contact. At this point in time, I will have to be satisfied with pictures. This information alone will be difficult -- "why was I the one placed for adoption and not my sisters?" I still believe, however, that it's much better than no knowledge which usually leads to distorted fantasies - whether positive or negative.