[Anne22]

I really had a mixed reaction to the book.

On the one hand, I learned a lot from reading the book. And, the book gave me a lot of things to think about -- particularly about issues related to being a white person raising a child who is of a different race and culture.

As Devora mentioned, the book was a wonderful reminder about how important it is to really listen to our children. I really honor that. As the author puts it, "Listening with ears open and mouth shut." That was the most positive thing I took from the book.

On the other hand, I found myself having to remind myself over and over again something I read elsewhere that resonated with me -- adoption is intended to heal the trauma, not to be a trauma in and of itself. I found myself feeling guilty for adopting, as if, by adopting my son, I would be hurting him. I had to keep reminding myself that while, absolutely, children who are adopted have to deal with the loss of their birth family and birth culture, that just as adopting does not erase that hurt, it also, in and of itself, doesn't make the hurt worse!

I also found myself resisting the author's tendency, I thought, to see her daughters' issues as adoption-related. I kept thinking that these kids were also the product of a divorce and that that likely had an impact, too. I kept thinking that it's so hard to know what's adoption-related and what's not.

I also resisted her presumption that, in some ways biology is destiny. When the author talked about how her children came to her with distinct personalities and traits, that they were not entirely hers to mold because they were separate beings, I kept thinking that that's true for biological children, too. As Kahil Gibran wrote:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

I too saw the author's view of adoption as somewhat negative. At one point she says that "[n]early all adoptive families encounter times of crisis that could be eased by therapy." I don't know that I buy the idea that "[n]early all adoptive families" are going to be in crisis at one point or another.

And, I found myself resisting the idea that being adopted is so completely different from any other kind of experience that I cannot possibly understand it or barely imagine what it's like. Absolutely, I can't know what it feels like to be adopted. But, I do know in very real ways what it feels like to grieve and to suffer deep losses early in life. And, I know first-hand that surviving deep loss takes strength and resilience. I guess I kept having to remind myself that while I can't know in my bones what it's like to be adopted, I can empathize.

Maybe my thoughts and feelings about what the author had to say will change as I grow in this process. I'm not even a parent yet, as my son is not yet even my son -- he's in Guatemala. So, perhaps all of this will take on a different meaning to me when I'm living the experience, instead of just thinking about it.

Just my opinion . . .

I hope I didn't offend.