[Devora]

A couple of weeks ago I asked if people were interested in having a discussion of Cheri Register’s new book Beyond Good Intentions: A Mother Reflects on Raising Internationally Adopted Children. A bunch of people were interested, so I said that I would post a new thread in a couple of weeks. Well, that time is here. So, if you have read all or part of the book, jump in with your thoughts!

Staying Involved
I’ll start off with a few general things that struck me. First off, I really appreciate reading the perspectives of a mother whose children are grown. As a parent who has just recently completed her child’s adoption, I resonated with what Cheri said about online forums, conferences, etc. being dominated by people who are in process or recently finished their child’s adoption process. Only, I experience it from the flip side – whereas she found she didn’t always seem to belong, I find myself longing to hear more from parents whose children are older. So I hope that more parents of adult children will heed her call to stay involved. And it’s also a call that I want to take seriously in the months and years to come. Although I don’t read the forum in anywhere as much detail as I used to, I am committed to staying involved – even if I respond to threads more selectively. I also want to say that, although their children are still relatively young, I really appreciate people like Becky, Kevin K, Brink, and Sharon (who adopted from China) who have stayed involved here. I think they bring different perspectives. Sometimes it may be hard for people who are in the emotions of the process to hear what they have to say, but I think it’s great that they’re willing to put their thoughts out there.

Adoption Issue vs. Adolescent Issue
One question I found myself asking a lot (and this is not a criticism of the book) is: How do you discern what is an adoption issue versus what is an adolescent or parenting issue? When we were in our process I was talking with a colleague of mine who was doing an adoption from China through a different agency. He said that in one of their classes this was stressed and the example that was given was that when your teenage child says, “My real dad would let me take the car...” you respond with something like, “This is a parenting issue, not an adoption issue. I’m your parent and I have made my decision that you can’t take the car tonight.” It was helpful to me to hear that. However, in Cheri’s book I realized that it’s not always so obvious what the issue is.

One reason that I think it’s not so obvious is because, as Cheri said, unless we are adopted ourselves, we will never understand what it’s like for our child to be adopted. I think that’s really important to keep in mind as a way of keeping check on myself. Yes, all children struggle with identity issues in adolescence – and I can relate to that, but I can never know what it means to struggle with establishing one’s own identity in the context of being an adopted child or in the context of being a Hispanic child whose parents are white. So while there are parts of my son’s experiences I can relate to, there’s always this part of his experience that I can’t know.

Listening to Our Children
Related to that, though, is the fact that we can listen to our children. I really liked the many examples Cheri gave of times when she did and did not listen well to her daughters. I can’t know what it feels like to be adopted (and even if I was adopted, my experience may be very different from my son’s), but I can listen to him talk about what it’s like for him. But I think that does take making ourselves vulnerable. This was especially clear to me when she was talking about the example of going on vacation to someplace where her daughters might not feel comfortable. We have to be willing to hear and admit that we made a mistake. While this is true for all parents, I think it may take on an extra emotional intensity as my son grows older because it means being willing to hear implicit or explicit judgments about our decision to bring him into our family through adoption.

Being Honest with Ourselves
I also generally appreciated the way Cheri’s use of the caricatures made me more honest with myself. On the one hand, I can see how the caricatures at the beginning of each chapter could be off-putting. It was also easy for me to dismiss them with the thought, “I would never think that way.” But as I read each chapter I realized how there were (or could be) little ways that I fall into that kind of thinking. So for me this book is one that I will skim through off and on throughout the years (I hope) to keep myself in check. Too, so much of it is about things I will encounter in the future but that don’t necessarily apply as much to being the parent of an 8-month old. But some of the dynamics do start now and I need to stay aware of them. For example, I’ve found myself a couple of times this week watching my son play and laugh and smile at me and thinking, “I hope that as you grow older you’re just as happy to be a part of this family.” So I think the seeds of the things Cheri wrote about do start early.

Sorry to say so much. I don’t want to dominate the discussion, but thought that these things might help get the discussion going. What do others think?

Devora