[Mammie]

Hello foster parent!

We too, had a foster son who lived with us for 14 months. When he was mad at us (or wanted us to look bad - showing he was in control - or wanting a reaction - again, a control issue) would wet all over himself...and then in a crying fit, would blame us....saying that we made him do it! (He also refused to wipe his butt, or would get poop on his fingers and wipe it on the walls!) He was 8 years old and in therapy as well.

Like you, he had a younger brother who was watching everything!

I really agree with some of the things waiting home talked about...(and if he had been our natural son, I believe I would have done the same thing. However, in the state of Michigan, and being in the foster system, sending the child to school like that would have been deemed as child abuse and we would have been reported to DHS.)

This is what worked for us.

1. DO NOT REACT. This is a control issue for him. This is sooooo hard to do...but TRUST ME! It does work! Act like you could care less (even if you want to throw him through a window!)

2. If you are at home (and will be remaining for a time), allow him to sit in his mess. No change of clothes for 15 minutes or so (coupled with your non-emotion) will really take the fizzle out of his control bid.

3. Definately make HIM clean up his mess and himself as well. Supervise. Don't help and show no emotion. Remember YOU ARE IN CONTROL...NOT HIM!

4. If it were me, and he tried this with appointments and school, I would keep him home in the mess he created, until he cleaned it up. Afterwards, no rewards, no privilages, no nothing. Most important, show no emotion. His reward is to get you upset. Later, he thinks he can play, watch tv or do what ever he wants. No way! If he wants to play that game, he can stay in his bed. If he messes it again - it is not your fault. He can deal with it.

5. Be consistent! Play the same way, everytime. He will grow weary (though with some children, they are pros at the waiting game)when he does not get the reaction out of you he craves.

During this time, little brother will be watching and when he sees there is no 'reward' (no matter how demented it seems to you - that is how their abused minds preseve it) because there is no one to control - and there is a big mess to boot - he will not want to follow in big brother's footsteps for long!

We had this problem - and it only happened like 5-6 times. Little brother tried it twice and lost interest. Be consistant, and SHOW NO EMOTION! Do not give that 8 year old the control he craves!

It is gonna be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but the pay off is sweet!

Good luck!