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Hi Wendy,
The scary feelings are a good sign. It means you are starting to deal with the adoption issues in your life. This happened to me when my adopted daughter was born last December. I started really thinking about what my adoption meant and how I had no say in any of it. My feelings fluctuate from anger to sadness to acceptance - depending on the day. Best book I've read so far is "Journey of the Adopted Self". When I read it I couldn't believe how right-on it was. I cried a lot while reading it but it helped me to recognize the deep feelings loss, pain and guilt for what they were .. .normal for adoptees. For many years I wouldn't search because I didn't want to hurt my a-mom (typical of adoptees), but then I finally got the courage to begin. I still don't really want to meet my birth family but I am searching for information. Every step you take helps you to become stronger and in a way, I feel it is helping me to reclaim me. I have started to internalize the information I have gotten and I am changing into a different person . . . one who is no longer being molded by my adopted family. I'm stepping out alone and it's scary but in a positive way. Good luck and keep posting!
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