[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know this sounds strange...but the best piece of advice I ever got was from our licensor. She told me that "even if you never meet the bio-parents do everything you can to form a positive bond with them. It will go miles in them making the right decisions for their child if it comes to that".

With Bug, I started with a note in the diaper bag. Next time I put a couple photos in there. When we went for our first ISSP hearing, I had an 8x10 framed photo taken when he was 3 weeks old. She greeted me warmly and thanked us. I then started a "milestone" journal that I sent weekly in the diaper bag. She read it every week. One day she wrote back and asked us to adopt him. That was the last time she ever saw him. I think she felt that he was honestly loved and safe. She thanked me for all I had done for him. TPR is in 15 days. There has been no contact (she lives on the streets) no show at court, just gone.

When Bear came along, we actually went to the foster home when his mother (14) gave him to us. We were originally chosen by the state. Bmom then decided she wanted to have more of a say in his adoptive family...there were a few days of HIGH emotions. The next visit she had, I had tucked a note in the diaper bag...just like I did before. Basically a daily record of his week...from his point of view. The case worker came out and was GLOWING. He just looked at me and said "this was awesome". The next day we were informed that she had chosen that he stay with us. There were about 12-14 weeks of visits that continued. Each week I wrote a note and put it in the diaper bag...it was the first thing she looked for every week. She relinquished about 3 weeks ago, and we are waiting for the "goodbye visit". I had saved all those weeks of notes and worked for about a week inserting digital photos, captions, and clip art. Each of us in the family wrote her a letter thanking her for the gift she had given us...I even wrote one from Bug. I also included some fitting poetry I found on this website. We burned it to disc, took it to the print shop, printed, covered, bound. Voila!! I had 2 made...one for bmom, and one for Bear...even better than a baby book! Something we will always treasure...as will bmom because she will be able to see how much time, care, and love our family put into it for her.

I think it is important to look BEYOND the mistakes they have made and remember that they are human too. They are already feeling like dirt that the state has come in ans said "you are not a good enough parent"...and taken their child. Let the department be the enemy...that is what they are paid to do. Sometimes you are the only friend they may feel they have in the system. It also goes miles within the department because they know that when you are doing this, it makes their jobs MUCH easier.

My husband works with someone who has done just the opposite of EVERYTHING we have done. The parents and fparents are 100% enemies...so much so that the bio dad keeps requesting new lawyers, contesting the TPR, and even tried to stop a necessary medical procedure that the fparents had arranged. It is no longer about the kids...it is a game. The SW is constantly playing referee. Then they are frustrated that ours have both moved along so much quicker. They also think we are crazy for being so nice to our b-parents.