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MaryLu,
I am an adoptive mom. In my opinion, it is very natural for adopted children to wonder about their birth families. My advice to the adoptive parents is to attempt to see it from the adoptees point of view. No matter how great and loving a-parents are, I would guess it is hard not to wonder about so many things. For example, where do my looks and mannerisms come from, why was I put up for adoption, do I have birth siblings, does my birth family think about me, are there genetic health issues that I may need to consider throughout my life? I could go on. Looking for b-parents or even developing a relationship with them does not mean the adoptee likes them better or does not feel fulfilled with the a-parents. It's not personal and it's not a popularity contest. I would advize a-parents to be supportive and not try to place blame or guilt-trips on anyone. Just be there with the facts and support your child to the best of your ability. Read 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew.
I am not adopted, so I don't really know, but I would think it would be important not to take things personally if the birth family declines contact or is not all you imagined. They also should not feel guilty for wondering, searching or finding. Hopefully, they can find someone who supports and understands their search. Hopefully that someone is the parent who raised and loves them unconditionally.
We recently found my daughter's bio family. We were very careful with the information we shared and they have been very respectful of our wishes so far and grateful for the contact. So far, there is nothing that we would change. Our daughter is only slightly aware of the contact and has chosen not to be involved at this time, even though she requested it innitially. So we're taking it slow and just having all the information available for her when she is ready -- if she is ready. We want her to know that she is loved and accepted from all corners of the adoption triad.
My personal belief is that attempting to erase the bio-family history from your child is like attempting to erase a part of the child. You may be the best thing to ever happen to your child and he or she is a perfect fit for your family. Nobody would guess that he/she was not born to you. But no matter how well you all fit together, the biological link is missing. If your child craves that connection there is nothing wrong with that. If a-parents can be open and let their children lead the way in what information they want to have, when they want to have it, it will only build trust between a-parent and child and help the adoptee feel better about themselves and their lives. Adoption should not be treated as something to be ashamed about. It's just a part of some families lives.
Just my thoughts...
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