[sak9645]

Blame it on the media.

Most internationally adopted children do very well, just as most biological children do very well. Over 20,000 children are adopted from other countries by Americans annually. Do you think this rate of adoption would continue if a huge percentage of the children turned out to have major problems?

It is true that attachment disorders are not uncommon in post-institutionalized children. You ought to become familiar with this small medical risk.

These children have experienced a major loss -- the loss of parents -- at an early age. They may have concluded that you can't trust parents to stick around.

They may have learned not to expect anyone to comfort them if they are sick or hurt or if they have a nightmare, since orphanages are often understaffed. They may not have had many kisses and hugs in their life, and may even have come to associate touch with abuse.

But the fact is that most of the attachment disorders in internationally adopted children are relatively mild and very treatable, with or without therapy.

A child may simply have to experience the fact that his/her new Mom or Dad will always come to comfort him/her, if he/she awakens from a bad dream. He/she may have to practice some exercises designed to promote eye contact and enjoyment of being held. He/she may have to practice seeing a parent leave the room and come back, time and time again, so that he/she loses the fear that Mom or Dad won't come back.

He/she may have to be helped to learn that it's inappropriate to give hugs to strangers, and that his/her parents will not "give him/her away", just because he/she behaves badly on some occasion. In short, he/she has to learn that families are special, and that families are forever, and that conduct which worked in an orphanage setting may not be acceptable in a home environment.

Unfortunately, there ARE occasional cases of very severe reactive attachment disorder. While they occasionally occur in bio children, they are more common (though still VERY RARE) in adopted children.

In very severe RAD, a child fails to develop a conscience. He/she will lie, steal, and hurt people and animals without a sense that he/she is doing wrong. He/she will never develop an attachment to his/her parents, and can walk away from them without a look back, if told that he/she must enter residential treatment. He/she may act overly friendly to strangers, often to manipulate them.

A child with serious RAD may need to be moved from his/her home if he/she poses a danger to himself/herself and others. And, unfortunately, the prognosis for a child with severe RAD isn't good. He/she may never be able to live a normal life.

So, guess what! It is NOT the thousands of healthy children who appear on the nightly news. And it is NOT the success stories about kids who have learned to trust and love that show up in the papers.

It is, of course, the story of the one child in thousands that makes the headlines and gets the airtime. It is the story of the child who sets fires, tries to molest his/her siblings, attacks his/her parents with a carving knife, throws the cat out the window, and steals anything that isn't nailed down that is given banner headlines and prime time coverage.

You can imagine, therefore, what the average person remembers about international adoption. Not the beautiful Russian child who became an outstanding American student-athlete at a top college, and who later went on to become an extremely skilled doctor, that's for sure.

What the average person remembers is the story, like the one your husband's friend told, about the adopted child who murdered his father.

And, as a result, the average person who hears that a friend is about to adopt internationally may feel compelled to give him/her warnings about the bad things that may result.

Most of us have received these warnings during our adoption process. We have to learn, where possible, to counter half-truths with facts, and to "blow off" people whose minds can't be changed. It's not easy to do, especially when we are already a little nervous about making the decision to adopt.

It DOES appear that there are fewer cases of severe RAD in China adoption than in adoptions from Eastern Europe. But plenty of Chinese children come home with at least some attachment issues. These kids are not going to kill you, but some might need therapy to help them develop healthy interactions with you.

Those of us who have already adopted know that the rewards of adopting far outweigh the risks. So familiarize yourself with the risks, but don't be deterred by them.

Sharon