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Your story sounds similar to ours. CPS took my husband's niece when she was 18 mos old. We were expecting this - just didn't know exactly when it would happen. We did go ahead and take custody of her prior to the parental termination, even though our feelings over the whole thing hadn't been straightened out yet. B/M is also an addict, and completely blew off her end of the bargain in the reunification process. However, the few times she did make contact, it was with the expectation (in her mind, of course) that our niece was still her daughter, and that the situation was not permanent. She even called a few months ago (18 months later) saying it was her intent to get her daughter back. Thank goodness my husband talked to her - I would have either laughed hysterically or said something innappropriate. But that's how they think. It's like the time that has passed is nothing - they expect everything to be just the same as it is before, no matter what they have or haven't done.
Almost two years have passed, and we decided to sit back and let her pretty much "hang herself." We didn't have to do a thing. She didn't comply with the drug counseling and parenting classes, didn't show up regularly for visitations, etc. All the while, my husband remained cordial to her and I avoided her, since I have very negative feelings for her that I have a hard time hiding. Our niece called us mommy and daddy on her own, and we decided not to make it an issue. My grandmother was a foster mother to many children, and said they all called her "mom" on their own, even on a temporary basis, and that it is not a big issue.
As far as visitation - as long as it is a CPS case, let the authorities work it out. Do not allow visits outside what the court allows. Blame them, if you need to (when dealing with the B/M) and let them be the bad guys - they won't mind. In fact, you may even want to have the visitations at the CPS office (or maybe you already do that), to maintain even more of a "neutral" ground. When we were tired of dealing with the visitation problems, we decided to have the visits at CPS, and the mother never visited again. I know this may seem mean-spirited, but we suspected all along that she would not follow through on what was necessary to get her daughter back- and we were right. It was even a more convenient location for her - but getting there on time and being accountable to somebody "official" was just too much. Also, we have decided that if in the future we ever have to deal with her, we will insist that it not be at our house. However, I kind of doubt we'll be seeing her for awhile, especially since she still has drug warrants and we have heard she is pregnant again.
Also - another comment on the "mommy and daddy" thing. She can have more than one mom and dad. Our niece (adoption will be final in 2 months) is now 3. She knows we are her mommy and daddy, and that she also has a "tummy" mommy where she grew, and that daddy's brother is her first daddy. Because we have discussed it from the very beginning, it is normal to her - kids are a lot more understanding (especially from the beginning) than you might expect.
Lastly, we also have 2 boys - they are teenagers now. We have a regular Monday night babysitter for our niece, and every Monday night either my husband and I, or us and the boys, go out for dinner kind of like a "date night." There are sooooo many changes she will bring to your household, but just like parents need to get away from their kids every once in a while, the boys may need a break from her too. Our niece LOVES her babysitter, so it's a special night for her also. It has really helped us keep our sanity.
Sorry, I type a lot! Good luck!
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