[amissingpiece]

Here's our story:

After being matched with a pbmom for about 6 weeks and speaking on the phone with her 2-3 times per week, the baby was born and pbmom did not contact either myself and dh or our adoption coordinator. (The baby was born several weeks early) I found out that the baby had been born after I called pbmom at work and they said: "Oh, she's not here, she's having her baby!". (This was 2 days after the baby was born.) She refused in the hospital to take calls from us or adoption coordinator. As we are all aware, bio-parents decision to adopt is a "risk". We accept that her decision is her right. However, I guess I just feel betrayed because she has still not contacted me (not that she's obligated to) and I feel that she and I had become friends. Dh and I truly do want the best for her and baby boy (even though we know he will literally be raised in utter poverty). Yesterday we sent her a card saying Congratulations and Best wishes.

I guess the moral of the story is: You just never know. I would have told you that we had the best situation that anyone could hope for. Apparently even as pbmom was telling me and dh, "I know that this is the right decision", she had already decided to keep the baby (but failed to relay that to us). Looking back, this change of heart probably occured about 2 weeks prior to his delivery. Dh and I had tried to give her some "space" because she had SOOOOO much going on in her life...

You can't help but torture yourself: Was it something we said or did? Did she not like our photos? Does God think that we should NOT be parents??? This broken-hearted feeling is so similar to the feelings we experienced after each of our miscarriages.

Now we're back playing the waiting game again... and we have closet full (seriously FULL) of baby boy clothes...not that I'm complaining...I had so much fun buying them, and I'm not taking them back. I've focused my efforts on buying pink, girlie things now. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I figure chances are, now that we have everything for a boy our next match will be a girl. (we want at least one of each, anyway)

I'm interested in knowing what others have done to "step back and re-group" after a failed adoption. Sometimes I'm okay and know that a child is out there for us, but other times I literally feel that I can't breathe.

Did I mention that this really sucks?!?!?