Hey Nic,
I can really only echo was Pip has said, it’s a personal thing – you really need to share it with DH and talk about it openly with him.
I am at a crossroads of sorts. There are times when the desire to have an additional child is overwhelming – its something I’ve wanted to do for several years, yet due to infertility (we’re just now really exploring all of our issues) pregnancy has either eluded us all together or resulted in early term miscarriage.
A few weeks ago, I started really thinking about how my getting pregnant would affect M’s life and our connection. Here, I will post an excerpt from my blog from the other day:
Quote:
Ok, so I have no first hand experience with being an adoptee whose birthmom went on to have other children…I’ve never experienced that…I can’t react to M’s questions as to why I choose to place her and have another child, I cant.
I can, however, talk to her as an adoptee who was the second child…I’ve lived that, I know how it made me feel…I know how I reacted to situations…I know the questions I had and asked and I fully anticipate those from M…but I never had a younger sibling that my birthmom parented…I don’t know how to react to that…I worry…I don’t want her to hurt.
I do want another child, a third child, a child with my husband…nothing will ever replace M in my life or in my heart…I love her more than words could ever convey, so I wont even try…which is probably why I feel the way I do.
I feel guilty. Non-deserving maybe…like maybe this is my “payback” for placing…like I’ve reached my “kid quota” and there are no others in store for me.
Do I regret the decision to place M with her parents, not on your life…she is so incredibly lucky to have C and S, they are great parents (and I’m not just saying that cuz S reads the blog, I truly believe that!)…its just all the “what ifs” that run thru your head.
Ok, so is this a silly post to follow the “what could have been” post below or what!?
Anyway, I do, I feel guilty. I want to be able to answer her questions when she comes to me with them…when the time comes for her to want answers…and as it is right at this moment, I feel I can…I feel like right now, we have that commonality that allows me to understand how she might feel as the “second born” adoptee…if I change that, if I have a child, I will lose that…I am afraid of losing that. I am torn…but for now, at least we can find out what the issue is…the unknown has been difficult.
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So, while you and I aren’t going thru the same thing – I think its only natural that adoption affects our decisions quite a bit.